Sunday, March 12, 2006

11 Months & Scar Tissue

Woke up at 5AM this morning, and for a moment I wondered why. Then I remembered - 11 months ago Sam died. It's incredible to ponder how radically different my life is now, compared to 11 months ago.

In some ways, the pain has dulled. In others, especially the horror of her last breath, the pain is still fresh. But I do know the passage of time has dulled all sensation somewhat. That makes it possible to keep moving. I'm not emotionally vulnerable anymore. The two people who knew me best in the world are gone, and I'm not anywhere near that level of intimacy with any of my other friends. The last year has been like a prison rape of the soul - and the time spent between each horrific event just adds layer upon layer to the cicatrix growing over the wound.

Every day nothing gets done at the burned house just adds frustration. Between three insurance companies, you can imagine the foot dragging, despite promises to "get this done real quick for you".

Last month was especially dificult, due not only to the house fire, but to four anniversaries: Sam's birthday, Dad's birthday, 10 month marker of Sam's death, 9 month marker of Dad's death. This month is a bit of a reprieve, but April and May will be tough again. I'm sure I'll have more clarity next month when I'm staring down the 1 year marker of Sam's passing. All I want to do is make it through this first year. For whatever reason, whether the hype is internally or externally created, I just have a sense that things will stabilize after the year marker.

In other news...

I should get my new work computer on Monday. Already received the video card from ATI. Thanks for the recommendations, Doug & Randy.

Thanks again to everyone who has been sending care packages of cool stuff. At this point, we're set for all the necessities and really don't have room to store toys and that kind of thing in the rental house. We've also got the food thing figured out.

The kids have been making their beds. Now I know I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Tyler just informed me he has a blog.

Feeling a bit more in-balance overall, with regular trips to the chiropractor and the massage studio. Also have been seeing a local woman for about a week. Schedules are about to get crazy again, so I'm hesitant to make anything too momentous out of it, but the fact that I'm even in a place where I could be open to a more exclusive dating relationship is another big leap forward on the grief continuum. Romance is a totally different beast when you're in your thirties, as opposed to high school. So much more to consider...

My brother (the youngest of the surviving siblings) is about to be the first of the three of us to get his degree and actually graduate college. I did a 2-year animation trade program in college, but that's different. Gavin will actually have his degree and be able to start teaching. I'm VERY proud of my little brother - he's worked his ass of for this.

Off to coffee with Ron. Was gonna try to pick up some furniture from a friend of my Mom's in Bellevue, but I haven't been able to track down DJ and his cargo van.

Blah blah blah...

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