Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Very Happy

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I do try to get in a post a week, just to touch base and kind of download from my brainpan. I've been distracted by the end of school for the kids (and all that brings with it), summer plans, getting Ordinary Angels out to the festivals (fingers crossed), D Constructed work, Finishing up the DVDs from last year's musical, and of course, the girl.

J and I are having a great time discovering this deep compatibility we share. She loves the kids and they love her. It's amazing to the point of making me misty, how she has this innate ability to draw Tyler out of his shell and engage him in a social/family context. Of course Kayleigh is attached to her every time she comes over. J honors and respects my history with Sam, and we've really agreed this is not about "replacement", no matter how far it goes. There are definitely elements of J's personality and look that resemble Sam's, but those are elements I found attractive before I ever met Sam. And I say that having dated across the spectrum of body types, hair colors and personalities last year. Sam & J would have definitely been friends, I can say that much with certainty.

And there the comparisons end. It would not do either woman justice and as I said, it's not about "replacement".

It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's easy. It's fulfilling, It's amazing. And it's totally different from my prior experience.

It's just really good. And I'm having a blast discovering exactly how good.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Happy Father's Day

Sorry for the sporadic posting. The past week has been full of Randy's visit, loads of driving around, movies, dining out, yard work and getting my studio/office squared away a little better.

It was great having Randy here for a whole week. We agreed he could have stayed another week without getting to the point where we wanted to throttle one another. What good bros we are! :) He cleaned up my front yard big time, propped up the rhodie, put in a rock border between the front lawn and the planting area in front of Kayleigh's window, and pruned the lower branches on the front trees. It will be much easier to keep up now.

My new relationship has gone through the initial "mach-5 with your hair on fire" phase and has downshifted into a really nice cruising speed. It seems as if we got all the awkward "firsts" out of the way really quickly, and now we can relax and just enjoy the ride. The drama of a week or so ago was the product of sharing such an intense connection from the first moment that we were both pretty scared. The difference for me was that I'd had the loss of Sam to make me realize how rare and wonderful such a connection can be. In any case, it's all part of the learning curve. So far, J has met the best friend/big bro and Sam's brother, both of whom give a solid thumbs up (and I've met her best friend, little sister and twin brother, all of whom are pretty darn cool). She's also met the kids - and so much for my initial worry there. They have really glommed onto her. We're trying to kind of ration out her visits to the house for awhile, until they get used to a woman around. It's got to be surreal for them. It's surreal for me. And I have to be very careful and protective with their little hearts. I was not surprised to see how well Kayleigh related to J, but what was shocking was how readily Tyler reached out!

After Friday night's movie (with Randy and Doug), we took the conversation into the living room, and this would ordinarily be when Tyler would retreat to his room to play videogames or work on the computer. But he remained engaged in the activities, and kept vying for J's attention. It was really miraculous - I don't know how else to say it. As an aside, he's now been off his meds for more than 2 weeks. He's gaining weight and height, sleeping more, and generally seeming pretty balanced. We'll see how the rest of the summer goes, but my hope is that his brain chemistry is equalizing on its own with the onset of puberty and he won't need to go back on the stuff.

Father's Day was actually pretty crappy for the most part. I had a nice coffee chat with Ron in the morning, then decided I would get on City of Heroes for a little while to take advantage of double-XP weekend. The kids started throwing around their crazy energy from the moment they got up, and by the late afternoon they'd devolved into complete cretins. I made dinner without help (or thanks or so much as a "Happy Father's Day"), and I cleaned up alone. I went to sulk on the sofa while they went off to Westwood to spend their allowances. Then I got a text from J: "Happy Father's Day!" I grumbled a response, and before I knew it, J was here, sitting with me watching TV, making my day a whole lot better. Then the kids returned, having spent their allowances... on Father's Day gifts for me. A card, a camo baseball cap with a pirate skull on it, and a potted daisy plant for the front yard.

Happy Fathers Day. Yes. Yes, it was. :)

And Tyler plucked a bloom from the plant and handed it to J. "And this is for you!" She absolutely melted, and gave him a big hug. I felt like the Grinch, with his heart growing three sizes. Very very nice!

More to come, I'm sure. Now I need to get caught up with the work I've been neglecting due to Randy's visit and a really wonderful new thing going on. Thanks for bearing with me.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Well What Do You Know?

I wasn't wrong after all. She was overwhelmed by the same stuff I was feeling. And now that she's sorted through that, we are off to the races. :)

I'm incredibly happy. And incredibly relieved to know my radar wasn't wrong.

NOW if I don't post for awhile, it's for completely different (and wonderful) reasons.

Friday, June 08, 2007


Check this great clip from the first Seattle concert by The Police. If you asked me a week ago whether I'd want to watch an 8-minute version of Roxanne, I probably would've passed. But listen to what they did...

I've heard some folks bashing it, but come on - it's a 30-year-old pop song - it'd get stale if they didn't change something up once in awhile. And these guys are all better musicians than they were 30 years ago. So put me in with the fans who think this is (and was) amazing.

My "big bro" Randy flies in tonight. This weekend is PACKED with stuff. Later!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Police

So much for not posting for awhile...

I spent much of Tuesday in a fetal position on the couch, and later on hosted an artist friend. We talked and self-medicated with beer and some shots of Irish whiskey. Here's to beginnings. I actually feel worlds better today. Thank you for all the support and encouragement. I guess I'm a lot stronger and more resilient than I thought.

The woman Sam's brother is dating got us amazing 5th row center section seats for the Police concert at Key Arena. I took Kayleigh as my date. Her first rock concert! She LOVED it. Actually, my first rock concert was The Humans, who recorded on IRS Records, which was the label The Police recorded on! So there ya go.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail as I'm exhausted. But the show was effing great. Those boys are still as tight as ever, and the light show was really excellent. In fact, Invisible Sun had Iraq war footage laid over the stage images on the big screen, and Walking in Your Footsteps included an intricate 3D animated dino skeleton sequence. Several of the songs were presented in an almost progressive fashion. Definitely longer and more intricate.

Here's the set list from the Seattle show:

Message in a Bottle
Synchronicity 2
Spirits in the Material World
Voices Inside My Head/When the World is Running Down...
Don't Stand So Close to Me
Driven to Tears
Walking on the Moon
Truth Hits Everybody
Every Little Thing She Does is Magic
Wrapped Around Your Finger
The Bed's Too Big Without You
Murder By Numbers
De Do Do Do De Da Da Da
Invisible Sun
Walking in Your Footsteps
Can't Stand Losing You/Regatta De Blanc

1st Encore:
King of Pain
So Lonely

2nd Encore:
Every Breath You Take
Next to You

Great show. Maybe I'll elaborate when I've had some rest...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


It's like in the movie previews when everything is clicking along and suddenly there's the sound of the needle skipping off the record, and someone says something funny. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a punchline here, except to say I must be the biggest dumbass in the world.

How could I have been SO wrong? Like, not a little bit wrong, but the most wrong ever in my life? I had only ever felt this way once before, and that was when I was 16 and meeting Sam. This time was even better because I had the benefit of life experience and zero fear. We spent days marveling at the connection and ease at which we felt with one another. Chemistry like I'd never felt before. We kissed on the Akli breakwater in the rain and listened to the thunder roll across Elliott Bay. It was almost a scene from a Cameron Crowe movie. As Caleb said, "I'm surprised you could hear each other over the Peter Gabriel soundtrack."

In the six months of dating I had over a year ago, I never felt so much passion for someone, and every word, every touch, every signal, every instinct said she was right there with me. She quite literally was everything I'd asked the Universe for. And I think she was so scared of that connection that she revealed she wasn't ready for it. And everything came crashing down.

So now I feel totally stupid. "It's her. I mean, like with a capital H - Her." And I still really believe that, but of course I've gone and blabbed before the pie had cooled, and feel like the moron I am. So what went wrong with my radar?? That thing has been cranked to 11 since before Sam was diagnosed. I've always been able to navigate the seas of misery without too much trouble - the worst heartbreak of course was losing Sam, and then my dad, but they existed under the radar and inside the defenses. It goes without saying those key losses would be devastating. But I thought I was invulnerable after that. I thought no one could possibly hurt me. I was ready to feel truly and deeply again. Well now I do feel truly and deeply... hurt. And maybe that was a lesson in hubris.

I don't so much feel angry that she would reach out and only THEN discover her inability to engage in this. I feel more like my faculties were somehow inadequate and failed to warn me of it.

Was this the next lesson in loving again? That I had to be capable of complete trust and, more importantly, being completely hurt in order to be worthy of The Big One (if there is such a thing)? Maybe, but I think it's a pretty crappy lesson. I was bloody ready for this. I know from experience the Cameron Crowe moments happen few and far between in this life, so why give me that and then take it away - again? Unless it's somehow critical to what's to come. I have to trust that, even though I don't know how I can trust anything else - especially my own instincts - again.

So mark this as my first broken heart since Sam died. I feel inhumanly stupid and just want to crawl away in a hole somewhere. Excuse me if I don't post for awhile. And assume that any future romances (if any) will go undocumented here until they prove somewhat stable. And to my local and daily-contact internet friends and family, don't be surprised if I go monosyllabic for some time... at least until I sweep up the shards.

Hiding now.

Monday, June 04, 2007

I knew it.

I recall musing as I drove to Alki last night, "why do I feel like I'm about to go meet my destiny?"

Well, stand by for the chapters to follow, but I really get the feeling the question was rhetorical, and that I did.


Just... WOW.

Note the timestamp on this post and understand I slept maybe 2 hours tonight. I think I may be in trouble. Deep trouble. The BEST kind of trouble. :) It's not supposed to be this easy - it's not supposed to click so naturally, right?


I just have to realize that I asked for this. I did the work, and asked the Universe in specific terms for exactly what I wanted. And darned if she didn't just show up.

Stay tuned, true believers!

Sunday, June 03, 2007


I think I will need to remember this day. My mind was just blown by an amazing set of circumstances... and a really incredible woman.

More later.