Friday, March 02, 2007

Can't Sleep

It's after 4AM and I can't sleep.

I was just drifting off at about 2 when Kayleigh came in suffering from another nightmare. In this one, I'd been electrocuted. I cuddled with her for a little bit, then put her back to bed, explaining that when someone you love dies in your dreams, it means your relationship is changing. And as my little girl will be hitting the double digits in age this year, one might say that's a pretty safe bet.

Heavy night at Gilda's too. Three new members, one of whom lost her husband to leiomyosarcoma. That made three of us in the room who'd lost someone to LMS, one of the rarest cancers of all. The nice thing about new group members is that we all get to tell our stories again. And as anyone in the counseling field knows, telling one's story is a powerful healing tool.

My stepmom finally sold Volant. That Ted Brewer-designed steel-hulled beauty was their home for almost 15 years, and took them safely from Florida up the Eastern Seaboard to Canada, through the Caribbean and across the Gulf of Mexico to South America, and had even made the journey through the Panama Canal and up the West Coast to Canada (on a Dutch transport ship) before arriving back home in Seattle. It was her home with my dad - THEIR home. So I fully support her decision to sell Volant as a means of moving forward on her journey. And I know my dad does too, wherever he is.

I've recently been moving into a pretty peaceful place, emotionally. The recent grief mega-wave crashed over me and finally washed back out to sea, leaving me in a good position to move forward on my own journey. I have clarity as to where I'm at, where I'm going, and that I'm ready for something more substantial than a bunch of casual dating. The part of me that has been dormant for the last 2 years has reawakened - and although progress might be a bit tentative at first, I have no doubt the right circumstance will bring about a wonderful transformation. You're not following this at all, are you? That's okay - I'm not sure how coherent it is anyway. Suffice to say, I have a coffee date on Sunday, and I'm very much looking forward to it.


Rod said...

Hey Todd,

I'm following along and completely understand what you are saying and it is very coherent. It will be 5 years for me this April so I'm a little ahead of you in the journey.

I totally agree with you on the telling of our story being a healing tool. In my time on Widownet back in the early days I really looked forward to the threads where we all told our stories. It really does help the healing process.

Hoping for the best for you and all of us.


MotherPie said...

Dreams are powerful and so are stories. Ours are never fully written, anyway and healing is never complete, never total.

Coffee... good luck.

Ali said...

I'm following your thoughts perfectly well too. I hope the coffee date is verrrrry pleasant.

As for Kayleigh, mmmmm, my now 14 year old had a distanct monthly mood pattern from around 9 1/2. For a normally easy going child door slamming became a common occurence... I feel for you as go through this!


Anonymous said...

Hey Todd!

Just checking in - and by the way, you are always very coherent and I can follow it only too well! You always seem to be able to articulate so well what I'm sure we've all felt!

Glad that grief wave is out to sea for now - hope the coffee date went well!
: )