Broken

Wow. Four months just snuck up on me, hit me with a hurley stick and left me in the gutter. Don't know what it was exactly. A cocktail of factors, probably. Was listening to Seether in the shower this morning, which probably wasn't a good idea to begin with. Just really missing Sam's physical presence in my life. The photos, the video, the songs she left behind... they're not enough, and they never will be. This kind of wound can only be tended by Samantha, and she's gone. I want to call my dad and cry on his shoulder, but he's gone.

I now have family members asking when I'm going to start looking for work with another company. As if all the work Sam and I did over the past 6 years growing our own company was just a waste of time. Hello? When has this ever been an issue before, and why is it suddenly an issue now? I am still running the business, and although it's not quite back to where it was in 2003, it's coming back, and it will support me again. If I quit and go to work for someone else, I will not be able to give it the focus it needs. I will be giving up on the work Sam & I did - the product cycles, authoring, editing, the long hours, the finances, the conventions...

Sorry. Ain't gonna happen. I have a shitload of products in half-gestated conditions that I need to get out. As we've learned in the past, you need to keep putting out product to keep your positive cashflow. Last year, Sam was so sick we only got 2 products out (as opposed to 6 the previous year). That's the difference between a small business that survives on momentum and a small business that supports you.

I did 9 years in the videogame biz, and it sucked my soul dry. I've been a professional artist since my late teens, and made a living (frequently a decent living) at it since my early 20s. My dad was the ultimate entrepreneur, and set a great example for me to follow. It's who I am, and if I didn't change that when I had Sam by my side, why the fuck would I want to change now, when I have the added stress of solo childrearing and a company that needs the coal to be shoveled?

God, I miss you Sam. I miss you so much.

Broken - by Seether (the single has Amy Lee from Evanescence singing on it)

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
_______________________

Postscript: Andrew got home safe and sound, and sans his shampoo, which he left in our upstairs shower.