I'm very tired, but seem to be coming through the most recent wave. Keeping busy with projects and the founding of a new film production company, which will absorb Despot Pictures. The new entity consists of Ordinary Angels producer Sally, production accountant Justin, editor Dan and myself, and we've latched onto the name D Constructed Media. The D is of course a reference to the fact that all four of us have names starting with D (either first or last), and deconstruction means to strip down to the basic elements. It also points at the philosophy of deconstruction, which is a form of textual analysis. But the basic meaning is that we, "D", constructed this media.
Going out to Dan's tomorrow to take a look at the color correction for the film. And Wednesday afternoon I'm meeting with the sound designer to do some element recording and listen to his mix thus far.
I got my brother to come over to watch the kids this Wednesday so that I can go back to my Gilda's group. I've missed it.
I think this last wave was a lot of coming to grips with the fact that my old life is gone, and for better or worse I am on this new path. I mean, it's been this way for quite some time, of course. But it was the saying goodbye to any illusion or fantasy that Sam would be calling from the hospital, saying it was all a big administrative screw up, and could I pick her up? It was the acknowledgement that I've put the past in the past and the future in the future, and the two are separate and distinct. That's the sense of "goodbye" I mentioned a couple posts ago. THAT'S the sadness. The admission that I'm actually moving forward and not just in a holding pattern, waiting for the Universe to shake out. Because that's not going to happen; the Universe doesn't shake out. We make an active decision and the Universe adjusts accordingly.
Sam's would-be 40th birthday is in a couple more weeks. I think that might be hard. Then we've got Dad's would-be 63rd, and then Sam's deathiversary in April. That's something I'm really not interested in observing as much as her birthday, but I know the brain will continue to mark the date for awhile yet.
An old high school friend of Sam's & mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who recently lost his wife to sudden cardiac arrest (she was young and at the peak of health), leaving him with two kids to raise (approximately the same ages as mine). I sent email and started to walk him through some of the initial stuff I remembered from my experience, and it looks like he has his situation as well in hand as anyone can. It feels good to make contact with someone a similar age in a similar situation and help them out. God knows I'm only standing today by the kindness and support of others. Feels good to give back.