Sunday, December 24, 2006

It's Christmas, Charlie Brown

So here we are, another Christmas Eve.

I count my blessings. I have my kids, my extended family beyond that, and a great (and ever-expanding) circle of friends. I have a house that isn't burning down or flooding with sewage, so there's that.

But it's still empty, almost 2 years later.

It's hard to be 100% into the season without the woman that was there for 21 Christmases, that female counterpart, that partner energy, the yin to my yang. I'm tired of solo parenting, tired of making all the decisions, being the caregiver for all and being the stoic one. Whine whine whine... yeah, you've heard it all before. Probably won't be the last time I say it either.

I apologize in advance if this post is dwelling on the negative side, but it's what goes on in my head and my heart around this time. I pretty much hate holidays now, having had many of them ruined by association with tragedy and death. I mean, I keep a civil (if not downright jovial) face, but it's hard for me to really find inner joy at this time of year. I'm willing for that to change, but for now... there it is.

Perhaps it was the storm knocking everyone's power out, but the vibe around here has been retarded. People in general have been selfish, short-sighted assholes to each other. Many of my friends have mentioned the same thing. It's impossible to go from one side of West Seattle to the other without somebody demonstrating imminent natural selection. Slow the hell down and look at the big picture (and maybe hang up the friggin' CELL PHONE while you're driving in the rain and ice, idiot). The day will still come. Christmas will still be here. It's not going anywhere. And here's a concept that came via an unexpected and rather nice phone call from one of my Dining Room actors just a couple days ago: If the giving of a gift (or reciprocity from a gift given) is expected, THEN IT IS NOT A GIFT at all. It is socially-acceptible extortion. By all means, give. But give truly and from the heart, not because the calendar says now is the time to take out a second mortgage to support the retail economy or because you expect anything in return. There's a certain expectation about gift giving during the winter holidays, and a certain amount of generosity and hospitality is a good thing. But there's a point past which it just seems a bit gaudy... and missing the point of the holiday in the first place.

I mean, didn't you see A Charlie Brown Christmas?

Anyway... There. I'm done with my holiday rant. I'm sure that will help fix all the problems in the world.

Here's wishing you all a safe and happy holiday, full of love and giving... for all the right reasons. :) Be sure to tune in next week when I tell the year 2006 to kiss my lilly-white ass.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Know just where you're comin' from T.

We may not have the snow & ice over here but we still have idiot drivers and cell phones - even though we call them mobiles.

Ali - sharing the emptiness.

Anonymous said...

Hi Todd,

so many of us feel lonely/strange/depressed/empty (and all the other positive ways one can feel) at Christmas, for our various reasons.

GoodEarth - sharing the emptiness.

Anonymous said...

Here-Here!

You summed up my thoughts exactly darlin'. This is my third Christmas without Rich, and I hate to tell you that, um, it doesn't get much better - not yet anyway. But I have hope (it's what gets me through the BS) that things will get better, even if that "better" means that life, as we knew it, will never be the same.

Peace to you and the kids, Tbone.

Hugs
Lisa

LL Cool P said...

Yeah, it took me many, many years after my dad and his brother both died to get my holiday spirit back, and I imagine it's worse after losing the love of your life. My therapist says this is the busiest time of year for folks in her profession, so that's a cheery thought, too.

Meanwhile, I'm tired of the selfish assholes year-round...but living in L.A., I don't think they're going anywhere. :-)

peace, LLP

TD said...

Wow, Jennifer. You went the extra mile for your hubby and new family - just for that, I want to give you a medal. I cannot fathom how daunting that is, going into a relationship with a widda and inheriting an entire family and history and all that baggage. You, my dear, are superhuman.

I'm sorry you were down. Can you put your finger on the source of it? You obviously provided your family with an amazing holiday (and should be proud).

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, I have no other way of making this comment to you other than hijacking Todd's post.

I'm not sure this is a 'widower' issue as much as a 'wife' issue.

It sounds to me as though you're not being valued, acknowledged, listened to, cherished, appreciated. This may not be a 'widower' thing, just a total non-comprehension of how difficult the role of wife and mother is. Being a step mother makes it so much harder.

I have an 11 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. Structure and boundaries are totally necessary - yet sometimes difficult to impose. Sadly I see a lot of families where it's Mum who's made out to be an ogre as she struggles to do this. Guys may want to be big kids, but once they have them they have to step up to the plate.

You're sounding terribly unhappy. It is not sounding like a healthy family situation. Counselling????

I hope you get some love and appreciation soon. Wife does not equal doormat.

Ali - stepping off her little soapbox to give you a hug.

TD said...

Hi Ali,

I didn't get that Jen was being neglected or emotionally abused in any way. In fact, from her post, it seemed quite the opposite. They really seemed to appreciate the effort she made, but something just wasn't there for her.

I could be completely off-base here, but it sounded like something Jen needed to examine herself. I'm all too familiar with that headspace.

Hugs just the same,
TD