Wednesday, March 29, 2006

One Whole Person

It's been a crazy week. Lots of fighting with Tyler over stupid things. I try my best to get him to open up, but he's so closed off - I don't know if even he knows how to access and process his emotions right now. I'm hoping the counselor can give us some more insight and tools to help. Kayleigh wears her emotions a mile in front of her and can have a meltdown at the slightest provocation, but at least it's all right there and can be dealt with. Tyler maintains an excellent poker face, and his frustrations tend to come out in other, seemingly non-related ways. Now throw the beginning stages of puberty into the mix and - voila! - instant family drama.

RestorX returned three acoustic guitars to me. The Ovation Sam gave me survived the fire, as did my mother's Spanish style folk guitar (which must be at least 40 years old at this point). The third was a 6-string belonging to Sam, which frustrated her because it sounded tinny and never stayed in tune. Funny what survives. Anyway, I was elated to have them back, because I'd really been jonesing to play for several weeks. On the same day, a lot of my replacement studio gear arrived on my doorstep, which is really inspiring.

No sooner did I mention my exclusive dating relationship with MD than I began to feel like I'd taken another premature step. We'd had a terrific week of fun and romance, but when she started her new job and I went back to my schedule, we found we weren't able to meet as often, and the chemistry dampened. We have called the "relationship" quits, although we are still fond of each other and are remaining friends. I don't think it's a boast to say I've fared pretty well in that department, remaining friends with the women I've dated.

The weird schedule dance with MD also bore its own gift - the realization that I don't have to be in a relationship to be a whole person. I'd been part of a couple since I was 16, so I naturally developed a sense of completeness that was tied to my relationship. And because Sam was so much of my stimulus-response existence for so long, when she died I really did feel that chemical withdrawal those in the know said that I would. In a way, I look at my dating during the past year as a sort of "emotional methadone". And if I ended up helping the woman in her own situational process (as both LA & MD said I did), so much the better.

And now it's time to be okay with being single. More time to focus on my craft, more time to focus on the kids, less distraction from matters like the house reconstruction. Sure, I miss the emotional and physical intimacy, and eventually I'll find the right person to permanently share it with. Overall, I feel like I was really putting a lot of work into dating. Not that I've had a lot of experience, but what little I have has taught me the stuff that needs to happen to you usually does so when you aren't looking.

I'm starting to feel a bit of creativity returning, after a long, dry spell. Guess we'll see where it goes.


Darth Jim Scott said...

Keep hanging in there Todd old bean! You da man!:-)
I've been feeling a bit creative myself. Well with me it's more plageristic since all my fan page stuff is derivative. But I'm O.K. with that.


Bug said...

Way to go baby!!

I really do DEEPLY thank you for... everything. All of it. The good and the bad. (I know Shawn would prolly secretly thank you as well ;) )

"Everything happens for a reason"