Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tears Are Not Enough

Yesterday marked 8 months since Sam left us. It just happened to be occupied by the end of a 3-month dating relationship with LA. There were some misunderstandings and a few hurt feelings, but it's mostly ironed out now, and we are going to remain friends, which is good. I value LA's presence in my life, and the light she brought into a very dark time. She's a great woman and deserves a guy who can fully reciprocate her feelings. Nothing but good reviews here.

I guess that, even though I was totally going to avoid the whole dating/relationship thing for a long time (look how well that worked out), I've gone and done the same exact thing a lot of my fellow bereaved do. They are so lonely for a taste of what they've lost, they get in over their heads (in whichever way you want to imagine), and before long, there is the gnashing of teeth and the wailing of broken hearts when the non-widda in the relationship gets inadvertently stomped on. It's not something I'm especially proud of, but I guess I've earned my Widda-Scouts Premature Relationship Merit Badge. My widda friend Lisa in Florida says I'm going to be a Widda Eagle Scout soon... or something. Huzzah.

I was listening to an old song by the Chameleons today. The title of today's blog entry actually comes from the original song title (it ended up just being shortened to Tears), and has to do with frontman/songwriter Mark's experience of losing a friend to cancer. Funny how it speaks to my relationship with Samantha. I'm missing her very acutely now.


It's just coincidence
Well you can talk that way
But I have to say
I don't believe in it
And with the chill of chance
I decided to dance the days away

And I wasn't worried at all
Sneaking through the backdoor
No I wasn't worried at all
Dreams are what you live for

Waiting for the light to turn green
Carry me home
To the kindest eyes that I've ever seen
Carry me home
Can you tell me how will it be now?
How will it be?

Well we were younger then
And the days were long and slow
But were we wiser then?
I couldn't say
I wouldn't know

But I wasn't worried at all
I had someone to run to
No I wasn't worried at all
I knew which way the wind blew

Kicking out the chaos and gloom
Carry me home
I'll watch the ceiling spin round the room
Carry me home
Can you tell me how will it be now?
How will it be?

In a cold world how will it be?
In the real world how will it be?
In a lonely world
How will it be?
Will the ghosts just stop!
Following me

Now drawn into the sun
He was the only one
He cries out to everyone
For his only son

From the window of my room now
I can see the colour blue now
You can't even look in my eyes now
What would you see?
If you could look into my eyes now
What would you see?
What would you see?

1 comment:

Rod said...

I can clearly remember that time period. The skin hunger was so strong. I was hugging anyone that came within a few feet of me. As close as I got to trying to begin a relationship was coffee at a local cafe one evening with someone I met on Match.com.

In some ways I'm glad I didn't act on all the emotion that was roiling around inside of me at that time. It was the love I still had for Cindy, along with the elation I felt because I was actually able to take care of the kids and get them off to school and back home each day, combined with the longing ...

Now going on 4 years into the process I wish I had some of that emotion back again. I'm at a point now where I mostly feel worn out. The task of raising the kids and taking care of the house and daily chores leaves so little time for anything else. That roiling emotion has faded to an empty feeling where the emotion once was.

I wonder if I've waited too long to try and find someone. Is it possible that if you are single long enough you lose the ability to be part of a couple? I hope not!