Halloween Scariness

I debated whether or not to post on this subject. But the way I see it, it's a key part of the widda experience, and should be talked about. Besides, Lisa already talked about her back-in-the-saddle experiences over on her blog (see Nothing Good About Grief), and that's given me some courage. And I can discuss it in abstract, non-specific terms so as not to offend.

So Friday was the weekly RPG session with the guys. Allan couldn't make it, but Mike, Jordan, Ron and I had a blast. Lots of humor, bad puns, good food, a bit of cerebral adventure. Felt like we were channelling our buddy Hans, who used to be the life of any game, but who has resided in San Diego working for Sony for the past few years. He is a painfully-missed member of the comedy team.

Saturday, both kids went to their respective sleepovers. LA arrived, followed by Caleb, and the three of us trekked north to the Comic Stop for their costume party. I was a pirate, Caleb was Johnny Cash, LA went as a cowgirl (great belt buckle, BTW). Steve (Kingpin), JD (Wolverine), Brian M. (Nero), George (Lex Luthor) and James Taylor (himself) were there - the inker and comic mogul James Taylor, not the singer-songwriter. Casey Jones from the Mutant Turtles was also in attendance, as well as Napoleon Dynamite and Red Riding Hood (after the wolf got through with her). There were also the requisite jedi and miscellaneous theme costumes. Seattle rockers M-Set played live. There was beer, pizza, Halloween candy and geekery. It was fun.

And, if I can put this in the most clinical, abstract terms possible, later on there was the first physical intimacy I've had with anyone since Sam. Anyone other than Sam, actually, unless you count mouth-kissing with my first-grade girlfriend or slow-dance groping with my junior high prom date (which I don't). Now this kind of thing always has a tendency to create drama in a relationship, especially where there isn't technically a relationship. But it was a very positive experience. For one thing, it was good to know everything still worked, and I didn't have to look at the instructions again. Like riding a bike, for lack of a better metaphor. For another, it felt so good to be wanted. I haven't felt that in a long time, since Sam & I weren't able to have that really passionate intimacy for the last several months of her life.

We've agreed that we will cool off the physical interactions for the time being, since I'm still not in a place where I can offer an emotional attachment to go with the physical. I've never been this compartmentalized in my thinking. I was always that sappy sex-equals-love guy. This must be one of the self defense reactions that comes with the experience, being able to pick up a fragment and examine it without having it affect any of the other pieces. She, however, is not wired the same way, and I totally understand that she needs the emotional factor from me in order to proceed. But since I still can't give that (and she is well aware of that fact), we need to step back to the platonic side of the fence. And that's okay.

I feel we can do that. We're consenting adults who had a good time. Nobody cheated on anyone. Nobody did anything they didn't want to do. It felt totally natural and positive. And my respect for her is not diminished in the least. In fact, the converse is true. She is very kind and respectful of the path I walk. No matter what happens, I will always be grateful for what she has done for me in my healing process. I hope to maintain a close friendship, whatever that ends up looking like.

So... on with life.

The next two months are incredibly busy for me. I have meetings every day this week, including my producer on Duo. I have about 4 projects being juggled currently, although Ordinary Angels can be scratched off the list. Pending revisions, the script is done. November 4th, I have lunch with a friend of the family, a recent addition to the cancer widower club. November 11th would have been Sam's & my 21st relationship anniversary. November 12th marks 7 months since Sam died. The week of Thanksgiving, I'm taking the kids on a road trip to California to visit friends and family, and have T-day with Sam's folks. December is holiday madness all month long, and the first Christmas without Samantha in my life since 1983. I expect it'll be empty for the kids without their mom. I know it'll be empty without my dad.

Dreary Seattle fall day... thank goodness I have some M-Set to listen to.