Wednesday, October 26, 2005


This sucks. It seems like all I've been doing is finding fault with corporate cogs and complaining about it. The Nokia thing was just the tip of the iceberg. Yesterday I sat in traffic for an hour and a half to go up to Northgate to the title company - supposedly for signing the paperwork on my refi. But the docs that came through were completely botched. I won't go into the details, but it was not the deal the mortgage officer and I had agreed on. To her credit, she copped to the error and had a new set of docs drawn up. The title company had to courier the docs to my home late yesterday, and are couriering (is that even a word?) them back today. However there were still other sins of omission, and the whole thing has left me drained and on edge - and cancelling part of the loan.

What is it about widowhood that has hardened me to the workaday drone culture and made me even less likely to suffer fools? I think I probably just answered my own question. I mean, Samantha and I were always gracious, even when confronted with overt incompetence, be it in a financial institution, service or bureaucracy. But now I feel like I want heads to roll. I paid more for a phone upgrade on PRINCIPLE than it would have cost to just replace the generic USB cable with the manufacturer brand. WTF?! Do I need to find fault and punish the faulty because of some wacky sense of vengeance or whatever? Am I so hypersensitive to the fact that I'm flying solo - that I no longer have Samantha watching my back - that I have to go on the offensive in order to avoid being taken advantage of? The loan officer at my mortgage company apologized profusely for the way this had run, and I didn't stop her once. I just let her grovel. And although I feel somewhat vindicated (and that there were legitimate problems with the process that I had the right to be angry about), it really doesn't change anything.

Except that now I feel like a complete dick.

In other news, Tyler's homeroom teacher dropped by to tell me how much of an improvement he's seeing. And Kayleigh surprised me by plucking out the first part of the guitar solo on Tapestry on her little electric guitar. I'm coninuously blown away by these kids - when they're not killing each other or conspiring against me with the dog, they're just about the coolest human beings on the planet.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed at the mo. House is a mess, despite how often I clean up. Gilda's group tonight. That'll be interesting. Guess I just need to hold on for the ride.


Anonymous said...

Rage on, my friend! :) You deserve to expect more and take less least, that's how I feel these days. I've been having trouble pinpointing the cause of a similar change in myself, but after reading what you've written I'm starting to think it's just par for the course. And it's okay. Thanks for the affirmation!!

Love to you and the family,

ML in CA

Mack said...

My daughter Jina was complaining of this same malady but induced by 4 years of living in Los Angeles without a car for her. IMO I think you are missing the one who reminded you of how unimportant life's annoyances really are. It'll be okay. Good luck.

Mack said...

Oops. Forgot to mention that I love the cat. I think that is what all cats secretly wish to do to their canine oppressors.