Thursday, September 29, 2005

Letter to Samantha

Hello my Darling,

Sometimes it seems like that magical first kiss was just last week. Other times it seems like forever ago. Even though I was only 16, there was this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that said "she's the one". I won't lie - that feeling was scary to me. But then I'd always had a sort of freaky sense of Destiny (with a capital D), so I rolled with it.

Fast forward 6 years. A hundred fifty of our friends and family assembled at a beautiful stone church in Portola Valley to watch us make our lifetime commitment a public statement. I was as stoic and unsmiling as the stones in the church - so solemn! And yet, once the ceremony was done, I was the life of the party. You were so beautiful. The gown with the puffed shoulders, and your hair up under that hat... you looked like a southern belle.

Then the limo ride to the Garden Court Hotel in Palo Alto, standing up and waving out the sunroof all the way down University Avenue, while people honked and cheered. The wonderful food, the champagne, the cheesy DJ who cracked stupid one-liners but nonetheless played what we wanted. We made our entrance to the strains of John Williams' Star Wars fanfare. Randy, my father & stepfather and your dad all made toasts in our honor. We danced to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes", that romantic '80s anthem made even more popular by the ubiquitous John Cusack date movie, Say Anything. And David Sylvian's "Silver Moon" with its somewhat prophetic lyrics:

I will build a shelter if you call
Just take my hand and walk
Over mountains high and wide
Bridging rivers deep inside
With a will to guide you on
Your heart will need no one
Those days are gone

Baby I can tell you there's no easy way out
Lost inside of dreams that guide you on
Baby I can tell you there's no easy way out
Soon the guiding moonlight will be gone

Years later, I would find video of you at the reception, dancing by yourself to Peter Gabirel's "Solsbury Hill", your face a vision of happiness and contentment.

We finally retired up to our suite, exhausted and aglow, only to find our friends had trashed the room. We could have called down to have the hotel staff clean it up, but we were so tired it didn't occur to either of us. We just cleared the bed, managed a celebratory tryst, and crashed hard. Until 5AM, when the alarm clock hidden under the bed went off.

The next day would be spent prepping for our month-long journey through England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland. It was a symbol of the adventure that awaited us in our life together. We would undertake careers, interstate relocation, childrearing, and small business operation. And we would do it all TOGETHER. It's hard not having TOGETHER anymore. I miss TOGETHER. I miss having a partner who knows my most intimate details, my quirks and habits, my soul. But I am grateful for the time we did have.

Baby, fifteen years ago today, I promised you I'd be yours forever in front of "God and everybody". In Celtic fashion, every year I renewed those vows, and so did you. I just want you to know that I would do it all over again, even knowing what happens at the end. I'm really hurting without you. I miss you. Your bright smile, soft touch and just your overall companionship. The kids miss their mom. I miss my best friend, my wife.

I will always love you, Samantha.


1 comment:

oren_ishii said...

(((Todd))) Your letter to Sam had me in tears. Big big hugs to you, sweetie