Very Happy

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I do try to get in a post a week, just to touch base and kind of download from my brainpan. I've been distracted by the end of school for the kids (and all that brings with it), summer plans, getting Ordinary Angels out to the festivals (fingers crossed), D Constructed work, Finishing up the DVDs from last year's musical, and of course, the girl.

J and I are having a great time discovering this deep compatibility we share. She loves the kids and they love her. It's amazing to the point of making me misty, how she has this innate ability to draw Tyler out of his shell and engage him in a social/family context. Of course Kayleigh is attached to her every time she comes over. J honors and respects my history with Sam, and we've really agreed this is not about "replacement", no matter how far it goes. There are definitely elements of J's personality and look that resemble Sam's, but those are elements I found attractive before I ever met Sam. And I say that having dated across the spectrum of body types, hair colors and personalities last year. Sam & J would have definitely been friends, I can say that much with certainty.

And there the comparisons end. It would not do either woman justice and as I said, it's not about "replacement".

It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's easy. It's fulfilling, It's amazing. And it's totally different from my prior experience.

It's just really good. And I'm having a blast discovering exactly how good.

Happy Father's Day

Sorry for the sporadic posting. The past week has been full of Randy's visit, loads of driving around, movies, dining out, yard work and getting my studio/office squared away a little better.

It was great having Randy here for a whole week. We agreed he could have stayed another week without getting to the point where we wanted to throttle one another. What good bros we are! :) He cleaned up my front yard big time, propped up the rhodie, put in a rock border between the front lawn and the planting area in front of Kayleigh's window, and pruned the lower branches on the front trees. It will be much easier to keep up now.

My new relationship has gone through the initial "mach-5 with your hair on fire" phase and has downshifted into a really nice cruising speed. It seems as if we got all the awkward "firsts" out of the way really quickly, and now we can relax and just enjoy the ride. The drama of a week or so ago was the product of sharing such an intense connection from the first moment that we were both pretty scared. The difference for me was that I'd had the loss of Sam to make me realize how rare and wonderful such a connection can be. In any case, it's all part of the learning curve. So far, J has met the best friend/big bro and Sam's brother, both of whom give a solid thumbs up (and I've met her best friend, little sister and twin brother, all of whom are pretty darn cool). She's also met the kids - and so much for my initial worry there. They have really glommed onto her. We're trying to kind of ration out her visits to the house for awhile, until they get used to a woman around. It's got to be surreal for them. It's surreal for me. And I have to be very careful and protective with their little hearts. I was not surprised to see how well Kayleigh related to J, but what was shocking was how readily Tyler reached out!

After Friday night's movie (with Randy and Doug), we took the conversation into the living room, and this would ordinarily be when Tyler would retreat to his room to play videogames or work on the computer. But he remained engaged in the activities, and kept vying for J's attention. It was really miraculous - I don't know how else to say it. As an aside, he's now been off his meds for more than 2 weeks. He's gaining weight and height, sleeping more, and generally seeming pretty balanced. We'll see how the rest of the summer goes, but my hope is that his brain chemistry is equalizing on its own with the onset of puberty and he won't need to go back on the stuff.

Father's Day was actually pretty crappy for the most part. I had a nice coffee chat with Ron in the morning, then decided I would get on City of Heroes for a little while to take advantage of double-XP weekend. The kids started throwing around their crazy energy from the moment they got up, and by the late afternoon they'd devolved into complete cretins. I made dinner without help (or thanks or so much as a "Happy Father's Day"), and I cleaned up alone. I went to sulk on the sofa while they went off to Westwood to spend their allowances. Then I got a text from J: "Happy Father's Day!" I grumbled a response, and before I knew it, J was here, sitting with me watching TV, making my day a whole lot better. Then the kids returned, having spent their allowances... on Father's Day gifts for me. A card, a camo baseball cap with a pirate skull on it, and a potted daisy plant for the front yard.

Happy Fathers Day. Yes. Yes, it was. :)

And Tyler plucked a bloom from the plant and handed it to J. "And this is for you!" She absolutely melted, and gave him a big hug. I felt like the Grinch, with his heart growing three sizes. Very very nice!

More to come, I'm sure. Now I need to get caught up with the work I've been neglecting due to Randy's visit and a really wonderful new thing going on. Thanks for bearing with me.

Well What Do You Know?

I wasn't wrong after all. She was overwhelmed by the same stuff I was feeling. And now that she's sorted through that, we are off to the races. :)

I'm incredibly happy. And incredibly relieved to know my radar wasn't wrong.

NOW if I don't post for awhile, it's for completely different (and wonderful) reasons.

Amazing

Check this great clip from the first Seattle concert by The Police. If you asked me a week ago whether I'd want to watch an 8-minute version of Roxanne, I probably would've passed. But listen to what they did...

I've heard some folks bashing it, but come on - it's a 30-year-old pop song - it'd get stale if they didn't change something up once in awhile. And these guys are all better musicians than they were 30 years ago. So put me in with the fans who think this is (and was) amazing.

My "big bro" Randy flies in tonight. This weekend is PACKED with stuff. Later!

The Police

So much for not posting for awhile...

I spent much of Tuesday in a fetal position on the couch, and later on hosted an artist friend. We talked and self-medicated with beer and some shots of Irish whiskey. Here's to beginnings. I actually feel worlds better today. Thank you for all the support and encouragement. I guess I'm a lot stronger and more resilient than I thought.

The woman Sam's brother is dating got us amazing 5th row center section seats for the Police concert at Key Arena. I took Kayleigh as my date. Her first rock concert! She LOVED it. Actually, my first rock concert was The Humans, who recorded on IRS Records, which was the label The Police recorded on! So there ya go.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail as I'm exhausted. But the show was effing great. Those boys are still as tight as ever, and the light show was really excellent. In fact, Invisible Sun had Iraq war footage laid over the stage images on the big screen, and Walking in Your Footsteps included an intricate 3D animated dino skeleton sequence. Several of the songs were presented in an almost progressive fashion. Definitely longer and more intricate.

Here's the set list from the Seattle show:

Message in a Bottle

Synchronicity 2

Spirits in the Material World

Voices Inside My Head/When the World is Running Down...

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Driven to Tears

Walking on the Moon

Truth Hits Everybody

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

Wrapped Around Your Finger

The Bed's Too Big Without You

Murder By Numbers

De Do Do Do De Da Da Da

Invisible Sun

Walking in Your Footsteps

Can't Stand Losing You/Regatta De Blanc

Roxanne

1st Encore:

King of Pain

So Lonely

2nd Encore:

Every Breath You Take

Next to You

Great show. Maybe I'll elaborate when I've had some rest...

Stupid.

It's like in the movie previews when everything is clicking along and suddenly there's the sound of the needle skipping off the record, and someone says something funny. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a punchline here, except to say I must be the biggest dumbass in the world.

How could I have been SO wrong? Like, not a little bit wrong, but the most wrong ever in my life? I had only ever felt this way once before, and that was when I was 16 and meeting Sam. This time was even better because I had the benefit of life experience and zero fear. We spent days marveling at the connection and ease at which we felt with one another. Chemistry like I'd never felt before. We kissed on the Akli breakwater in the rain and listened to the thunder roll across Elliott Bay. It was almost a scene from a Cameron Crowe movie. As Caleb said, "I'm surprised you could hear each other over the Peter Gabriel soundtrack."

In the six months of dating I had over a year ago, I never felt so much passion for someone, and every word, every touch, every signal, every instinct said she was right there with me. She quite literally was everything I'd asked the Universe for. And I think she was so scared of that connection that she revealed she wasn't ready for it. And everything came crashing down.

So now I feel totally stupid. "It's her. I mean, like with a capital H - Her." And I still really believe that, but of course I've gone and blabbed before the pie had cooled, and feel like the moron I am. So what went wrong with my radar?? That thing has been cranked to 11 since before Sam was diagnosed. I've always been able to navigate the seas of misery without too much trouble - the worst heartbreak of course was losing Sam, and then my dad, but they existed under the radar and inside the defenses. It goes without saying those key losses would be devastating. But I thought I was invulnerable after that. I thought no one could possibly hurt me. I was ready to feel truly and deeply again. Well now I do feel truly and deeply... hurt. And maybe that was a lesson in hubris.

I don't so much feel angry that she would reach out and only THEN discover her inability to engage in this. I feel more like my faculties were somehow inadequate and failed to warn me of it.

Was this the next lesson in loving again? That I had to be capable of complete trust and, more importantly, being completely hurt in order to be worthy of The Big One (if there is such a thing)? Maybe, but I think it's a pretty crappy lesson. I was bloody ready for this. I know from experience the Cameron Crowe moments happen few and far between in this life, so why give me that and then take it away - again? Unless it's somehow critical to what's to come. I have to trust that, even though I don't know how I can trust anything else - especially my own instincts - again.

So mark this as my first broken heart since Sam died. I feel inhumanly stupid and just want to crawl away in a hole somewhere. Excuse me if I don't post for awhile. And assume that any future romances (if any) will go undocumented here until they prove somewhat stable. And to my local and daily-contact internet friends and family, don't be surprised if I go monosyllabic for some time... at least until I sweep up the shards.

Hiding now.

I knew it.

I recall musing as I drove to Alki last night, "why do I feel like I'm about to go meet my destiny?"

Well, stand by for the chapters to follow, but I really get the feeling the question was rhetorical, and that I did.

Wow.

Just... WOW.

Note the timestamp on this post and understand I slept maybe 2 hours tonight. I think I may be in trouble. Deep trouble. The BEST kind of trouble. :) It's not supposed to be this easy - it's not supposed to click so naturally, right?

Ha.

I just have to realize that I asked for this. I did the work, and asked the Universe in specific terms for exactly what I wanted. And darned if she didn't just show up.

Stay tuned, true believers!

Whoa.

I think I will need to remember this day. My mind was just blown by an amazing set of circumstances... and a really incredible woman.

More later.

Endings and Beginnings

I closed with my Gilda's group tonight.

Those of you who have read this blog for (coming up on) two years now, know that Gilda's Club is the national cancer support organization founded in Gilda Radner's memory. It was Sam's lifeline when she was fighting this fucking disease and needed to reach out to others in similar circumstances. It was what kept me sane when I was trying so hard to support a sick wife and raise two kids and run a company and give whatever energy I could possibly muster to my father in his battle. Sometimes I thought one or both of them would pull through - after all, the odds were surely against BOTH of them being diagnosed with these rare cancers so close together, right? ONE of them should have statistically pushed on at least for awhile. Nope. Sam gone. A month later, Dad gone.

Score at halftime: Cancer 2, Downings 0.

So the "alumni" group really helped me stay sane (or at least go insane in a relatively safe enviroment). Most of the folks at tonight's meeting were ones I'd come to know pretty well... and then there was a new guy. About my age. Lost the woman he'd been with for 17 years. Scant months ago. I knew it was still the right time to close, but I did give him my contact info, just so I can be a sounding board and grief "sponsor" for him. Everyone said some really nice things - how much I'd contributed to the group dynamic, how much they'd seen me grow and transform, and remain a dedicated parent throughout. All of that was great to hear. And my friend Carrie, who had closed last month, came back to be there for my exit. She said some very sad and wonderful and heartwrenching things which I won't repeat here, but it was very sweet, and I left on a bittersweet emotional high. If you've done any deep grief work, I think you know what I mean by that.

Anyway, I will still contribute time and energy whenever I can to helping the Seattle chapter of Gilda's Club. When the And Tears Fell CD is done, part of the proceeds will benefit Gilda's. I will always have the best things to say about the organization and the work they do. But I have moved on from active membership, happy to embark on the next chapter of my life, with solid friendships acquired through the group.

Yesterday marked two years since my dad died. I took the kids down to Alki (which was packed), and they waded around in the meager tide. Then we went into the Swell and had dinner with Ron. Raised a glass to Captain Bear. Miss you, Pop.

My family is gathering here for May Birthdays on Saturday. June 2nd was the earliest we could mesh the majority of schedules. So we'll celebrate mine (5/6), Tyler's (5/17), my stepdad's (5/18), and my sister and grandmother (both 5/29). That'll be fun. Then I get to prep for the arrival of my "big bro" Randy from California next week. I'm excited! We'll finally get the studio all hooked up and not looking like a Borg having sex with a Transformer.

Thoughts are kinda scattered right now, so I'll leave it there and post again when I'm more lucid.

Kid Stuff

In 5 days, my dad will have been gone for two years.

Yeah, we all know how I'm perpetually reminded of the continuity of life and my place in the temporal stream, but it's a lot more pronounced this year. I don't know why.

My stepmom and I went to Kayleigh's school band concert last night, and I was unsurprised and VERY proud to hear her play her clarinet so well. I am signing her up for summer band at West Seattle High, much to her delight. Summer band in the mornings, Oklahoma! in the evenings. Add into that the fact that the kids want to: a) go trail riding (horseback); b) go camping; c) go swimming every day... I wonder when I'll get any work done this summer. Maybe when they fly down to California to stay with Sam's folks for a week.

I'm reminded of my summers as a kid. Occasionally swimming lessons, camp, and spending a week here and there with grandparents or cousins, but mostly what I remember so fondly was just hanging out. Playing superheroes with the neighbor kids or, after we moved to Santa Cruz, walking with my buddy Josh to Deer Park shopping center in Aptos to buy junk food (remember candy cigarettes??). Riding bikes on the vacant school playground, having sleepovers and staying up late watching Creature Features or marveling at Wilma Deering's jumpsuit (which I maintain is a stellar name for a band).

I simultaneously love and hate YouTube specifically for making it possible to rediscover the media of my childhood. In the process of thinking about my formative preteen years, I'm reminded how absolutely goofy the 1970s were. Just look at what passed for entertainment and toys:

Mego Superhero Action Figures
I had almost ALL of these (except the chicks, cause that would be… you know). Notice how progressive the advertising was in 1976. “The Falcon – that great BLACK superhero!” (yeah, like being Captain America’s 2nd tier sidekick was a great move forward for racial equality…) I also like “Conan, the Barbarian – with his Sword of Justice!” (WTF??) and “Thor – using his Viking Power against evil!” (HEYYY! I want Viking Power too!)
Mego Planet of the Apes Action Figures
Mego Star Trek Action Figures
Because much of our television in the early to mid-'70s was syndicated stuff from the '60s, like Star Trek and Batman. Notice that the Klingon's sidearm is just a regular phaser molded in red instead of blue. I was rockin' a pretty complete set of ST figures when I was 6 or 7. Plus G.I. Joe!
Action Jackson is his name! Bold adventure is his game!
OMG, this was totally my first action figure, before I even got my first G.I. Joe - I had the frogman stuff and the "remote control" motorcycle, which really was just a battery pack with 2 buttons and a 3-foot cable connecting it to the vehicle.

Now here's some of the TV that saturated my brain as a young American boy in the '70s. Keep in mind this does not include the sitcoms and guest-star-of-the-week Love Boats and Fantasy Islands. Just the action-adventure fare, and it's by no means complete...

The Six Million Dollar Man
I was RIVETED to the TV when this was on. Best theme horn swell ever. I can't decide if it's pathetic or awesome that they just shot Lee Majors in slow-mo whenever he was supposed to be running super fast... and we totally bought it! When he fought robot bigfoot for 5 minutes in slow motion, it was teh r0Xx0Rz.
Adam-12
Patrol cops in LA, long before The Shield owned my soul. I also watched Ironside, Kojak, The Mod Squad, SWAT and Quincy with my dad. But never when my mom was around.
Emergency!
Randolph Mantooth - 'nuff said.
Wonder Woman
Lynda Carter totally triggered my puberty early. Waaaaay early. Let's just say that when the TV movie aired in 1975, I knew I was straight.
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
Erin Gray kept those hormones churning. Dig the disco soundtrack.
Kung Fu
David Carradine as Kane. He walks without fear of rhino or tiger.
The Bionic Woman
Lindsay Wagner - smart, sexy and superhuman!
Korg: 70,000 B.C.
Hanna-Barbera show about a family of Neanderthals - loved it!
Charlie's Angels
I caught this whenever I was allowed to stay up late. Came in after Farrah, so I was a big Cheryl Ladd fan.
Battlestar Galactica
Again, riveted to the opening narration by Patrick McNee. So cool. I totally thought Apollo's sister was hawt.
Land of the Lost
Dinosaurs, monkey people, sentient lizards and really bad effects (even by 1970s' standards). What's not to love?
The Incredible Hulk
Bill Bixby's performances often gave the show a lot more legitimacy than the cheesy formula was worth.
Project UFO
No occult, cryptozoology or UFO lore was off limits for pop culture.
Space: 1999
Disco pants and haircuts - in spaaaaaace! Careful, or Martin Landau will shoot you... with his... industrial stapler.
Grizzly Adams
The aptly-named Dan Haggerty was like Cousin It in dungarees with a fake John Denver theme. I even had the action figure. What was THAT about?? And of course, it co-starred UNCLE JESSE from...
The Dukes of Hazzard
My buddy Josh and I stumbled across this show while on a sleepover - a scene where Bo and Luke are shooting explosive arrows and blowin' stuff up REAL good, and, well, there you go. Explosive arrows, Catherine Bach in those tight shorts. Plus, they had characters named "Enos" and "Cooter", which is genius in and of itself. Done deal.
Perhaps someday I'll go into the cartoons... dear LORD - the cartoons.

Dearly Beloved

Kayleigh and I drove out to Whidbey Island on Saturday for JD's wedding. It was a beautiful, simple, traditional ceremony presided over by JD's dad (one of the benefits of being a preacher's kid, I guess). It was good to meet some of Alison's relatives, who had flown in from England. Nice folks. And an honor to be on the very small guest list!

I won't deny that there were moments of acute emotional discomfort. I think it would have been impossible to attend a wedding - my first since Sam died - without thinking of my own situation. You're supposed to reflect on your own marital state at a wedding, after all. I didn't let any of the pain show. The day was not about me or my path - it was about JD and Alison and the start of their life together, and I would never display anything but my utmost support and love. And once again, the stuff I felt was not about missing Sam specifically - it was about missing what I shared with her. That whole business of being married and together and forming the giant robot, becoming greater than the sum of our individual parts. It was just tough, some parts.

JD met Alison when he was hauling bodies for a local funeral parlor (she's a nurse), and my been-through-hell dark sense of humor was given a high-five when JD toasted the dead guy over whom they'd met. Wouldn't that be a cool legacy, to know that your final act was to bring two people together who would fall in love? That would be the best.

The day was beautiful, the couple top-notch, and the ferry rides were brief respites in a very long and emotionally draining day.

I Was a Teenage Teenager

Tyler turned 13 yesterday...

Jeez. I don't feel old enough to have a teenager. Probably a byproduct of starting parenthood so young. Anyway, I don't have much to say, except... Jeez. We went to Red Robin, by Tyler's choice, for birthday dinner (and may have accidentally wandered into Cold Stone afterward).

Tyler's best friend since kindergarten came along, as did Kayleigh, my brother and stepmom.

After we got back, I zoomed off downtown to Gameworks for the first leg of JD's bachelor party. Couple Kilt Lifters in the bar there and some Tekken 5 had me sweating by the time I left to pick up my SIL at the Seattle Art Museum. Then home to tuck in Kayleigh. Tyler stayed up playing his new Spider Man videogame. Today I get to take my kids and 2 or 3 friends of Tyler's to the Spider Man 3 movie. And tomorrow I get to drive out to Whidbey Island to JD's wedding. Busy weekend ahead!

But of course. I'm now the parent of a teenager.

Why Must You Be So Meme?

Beth tagged me with a meme, which I would not ordinarily do so soon after just completing another, but it's wholly different from the last, and contains some interesting questions dealing with a matter in which I'm severely out of practice. Please keep in mind that the majority of the following answers apply to my 20+ year relationship with Samantha.

1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night? D. All of the above.
2. On which side of the bed do you sleep? The topmost lateral surface. After Sam died, I slowly edged from my customary left side of the bed (as you face the headboard), and took the middle. Now I find I've returned to the left.
3. Pork, beef, or chicken? Depends on what you're cooking. Generally choose chicken over the others.
4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Only as a passenger, only as a child.
5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? I alternate. Gotta keep those crafty pants guessing!
6. Candles or incense? Both. Sometimes simultaneously.
7. Do you dance when no one is watching? No, but I do the pommel horse for small groups of German tourists.
8. Did you play doctor when you were little? Pretty consistently, and it was usually the girl who instigated it. There was this one girl... the things she did to my G.I. Joe! No, my actual G.I. Joe action figure. And that was just the action figure. Ah, the suburban '70s.
9. Stove top cooking or microwave? They each have their uses. Try cooking microwave popcorn on the stovetop (or vice versa).
10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty? Car, although I usually give both of them a weekly shoveling.
11. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? At least to the nearest cart corral.
12. Shower or bath? Daily shower, hot whirlpool bath when needed for stress relief.
13. Do you pee in the shower? Why get the bathroom floor all wet to step out and use the toilet?
14. Mexican or Chinese food? I love both equally when prepared well, but am more likely to eat crappy Mexican food than crappy Chinese as a matter of course.
15. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Depends on what's on the agenda. I'm natually more of an alpha male, but it gets old calling the shots all the time.
16. Do you own sex toys? No.
17. Corn dogs or hot dogs? Ideally a bagel dog from the deli, but it's hard to find them anymore. Short of that, corn dogs I guess.
18. Your favorite restaurant? Locally, Vatsana's (Thai), Pegasus (Greek/Italian), Maharaja (Indian), Celtic Swell (Irish), Puerto Vallarta (Mexican), Elliott Bay Brewery (beer & burgers), Charlestown Cafe (home cookin'), Spiro's (Greek/Italian), Tellarico's (Gourmet pizza by the huge slice, and a full bar), Husky Deli (sandwiches and homemade ice cream).
19. What did you have for lunch today? About to heat up some leftovers.
20. When did you last fall down? Indianapolis, 2003. Hit the curb and did some kind of funky aikido spin, skinned up the knuckles on my left hand and tweaked my back. When you are a giant, falling is never preferable.
21. Have you ever wished someone were dead? Hell no. Happens too often on its own, when we least expect it, and to those we would rather keep around.
22. Love or money? Do what you love. The money will come.
23. Credit cards or cash? Debit cards. Easier to track and more convenient than cash, but not expensive like credit.
24. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t? I more often wish people who aren't in my family WERE.
25. Oreos or vanilla wafers? With a glass of milk or a bowl of ice cream? The answer might be completely different depending on context. In general, Mother's Circus Animals, thank you.
26. How do you like your steak cooked? Don't eat steak all that much, but when I do, I like it nice and dead. Little to no pink at all.
27. How do you like your eggs cooked? Scrambled dry (not runny), fried (hard over), omelette (with ham, cheese & mushrooms), hard boiled, deviled.
28. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? I succumbed to peer pressure and in 6th grade pounded the shit out of another kid in "the gully", which was kind of like the preteen Santa Cruz version of Thunderdome. The sad parts were: 1) we were friends and the fight had been manufactured by a third party; 2) the kid I beat up was the one who did the calling out. We became friends again after the incident.
29. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel? Got camping out of my system during my years with the SCA. I'd much rather disappear in a quaint B&B in Wales.
30. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? Never had a root canal, but I have had minor surgeries. So I can't really judge which is worse. Ideally neither.
31. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? Absolutely. I already do some extensive manscaping and have been considering when to buzz down to a pinfeather cut on the noggin.
32. Would you rather have lice or an STD? The closest I've come to the latter was a UTI in high school, but I have dealt with an outbreak of lice from the kids, and while it's a hassle, I think the discomfort of the UTI was worse.
33. What’s your favorite hard candy? Toss up between Werther's Originals and Butter Rum Lifesavers.
34. Ever been to a strip club? Couple times. Once in Hollywood, once in Seattle. Both times with and for friends. Never saw the attraction of it, personally.
35. Ever been to a bar? Have you MET me?? Of course I prefer the Old World ambience of a public house. I don't go into dive bars, and I generally don't go into pubs to drink alone.
36. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? Only at closing time.
37. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? Dragged back to the tent, or led to bed, but just try carrying me anywhere, especially passed out dead-weight.
38. Kissed someone of the same sex? In a family or acting context, yes. In a romantic context, no.
39. Had sex in the car? Oh heck yeah. God bless the big back seat of the Olds Cutlass Supreme and the bed of the Isuzu pickup and, and, and...
40. Had sex at the beach? Not ON the beach, but in a car AT the beach or IN the beach house at Pajaro Dunes.
41. Had sex in a movie theater? Are you kidding me? Like, while there's a MOVIE playing?? Heck no! It would distract from the movie.
42. Had sex in a bathroom? Quite often. It's a great party game.
43. Have you ever been in an “adult” store? Not recently, but yup.
44. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? Which "friends list"? Is this the universe where I'm "friends" with Jennifer Connelly, Catherine Zeta Jones or Jordan Ladd?
45. Have you been caught having sex? :) A lady cop at the Baylands in Palo Alto tapped the steamy car window with a flashlight and after making sure Sam & I were a) both willing participants and b) not junkies or dealers, smiled and told us to go home. I think I was 17 or 18. There were many times when being caught was a distinct possibility, but other than the above, no.
46. Have you ever kissed a stranger? Sort of. We'd never met face to face, but had traded many emails and phone calls. Not a real great time in the being-smart-while-dating department. Fortunately everyone got out alive.
47. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you? Randy has a picture of me at age 14 dancing with a paper grocery bag over my head at a high school cast party. Other than that, hopefully not. That porn shoot was so long ago... ;)

Oh, and I tag Lotti, Andrew, Stacy and Lisa. Not that anyone ever listens to me.

Dear Dad,

I dropped your granddaughter off at school this morning and went down to Alki point to await my 11AM chat with Carrie from my Gilda's group. I walked along the pebbly beach, warm with sun, watching the birds pick through the offerings of the low tide, watching the boats come and go. I saw the morning overcast burn away, the islands displayed in all their green springtime glory, and the Olympic Mountains poking up in the distance... and I realized I really missed you at that moment.

You know I miss you all the time -- that's a given. But it was that moment when I stopped and thought to myself, I really wish Dad was here to share this. And maybe you really were there, sharing that moment. Maybe you have gone out into the ether and have become a part of all of that beauty and natural wonder that I was taking in.

What made it most acute was the fact that, were it not for your legacy, I would not be afforded the luxury, the opportunity to be walking along the beach at Alki at 9:30 in the morning on a weekday. Since there's not much I can do about the fact that you're gone, taken decades before your time, I can at least be thankful for that.

I've lived in this community for 15 years now, and for the first time, I actually stopped to read the monument to the first European settlers in Seattle, the famous Denny Party, who made landfall in 1851. 108 days from Illinois to Portland via the Oregon Trail, then 8 days to Alki by clipper. The first Seattle settlement, the oldest Seattle neighborhood. What a legacy these men and women left behind (both good and ill).

I guess any legacy has its good and its bad. Yours came with too high a pricetag. It means we are separated by the Veil, and for the rest of my mortal life, whenever I look out over the Puget Sound at the Foss tugs pushing a barge, or a yachtsman on a leeward tack, or a mob of gulls and sandpipers picking over the carcass of a crab at low tide, I won't be able to share the moment with your mortal eyes.

Throughout my young life, I learned what it meant to be a man, gentle and strong and appreciative, from observing you. Rest assured I observed your less attractive habits as well -- lest you think I'm deifying my father. We all have our share, and you were no different. What was different was how you chose to rise above everyday bullshit, well before you were ever diagnosed with cancer. For that, I honor you and continue in that tradition.

As I walked along the beach, I flashed back to a 3rd grade field trip to Elkhorn Slough near Santa Cruz, and remembered thinking, as I rode atop your shoulders, that this was the best view in the world. How we spotted blue herons and frogs and dragonflies. And how we ate wild pickleweed along with our PB&J. The thought was appropros of nothing, and yet I now walk along the beach at almost the same height and perspective, sharing wisdom and fun and memories with my own children, your grandchildren. That wisdom, that clarity, that sense of wonder and fun, those things are also your legacy.

You will have been gone for two years in a couple weeks. I just wanted you to know that you are still missed and loved and honored, and that will never change.

Love, your eldest boy...

Todd

Carrot - The Crunchening

So here it is, over a week since my last post. Phew. And what a week. Here are the highlights:

• Received a response to my challenge of the school district's rejection of my appeal for Tyler's placement, despite currently having the situation in hand. I don't think they tell each other what they're doing in that particular bureaucracy, but then again, life would be boring if bureaucracies were efficient.
• Screened Ordinary Angels for Shandalla, who had not yet seen a finished cut. She's given a director's thanks for child care while we were shooting. We also watched Luther, which is a great historical biopic with Joseph Fiennes and Alfred Molina and Peter Ustinov, which tells the story of the origins of West Seattle culture. That's a little joke, you see, as there are so many Lutherans in West Seattle...
• Worked on the Mattress DVDs - it's giving me more trouble than I really care for right now, but hopefully I can get them done before Oklahoma! opens.
• For some reason, our Red Dwarf RPG has been enjoying a sort of resurgence in popularity. Not bad for a game that's been out for four years, but... what's THAT about? A gamer podcast is going to do a full-on playtest, review and interview this summer.
• I screened Free Enterprise and The Specials for my 12th Night buddy Raff, and he agreed that the Rob character in Free Enterprise was completely unredeemed by the end. He is saved by the girl and does nothing whatsoever to make good on his past immature behavior. We also agreed that Judy Greer as Deadly Girl in The Specials is super hot.
• Shot footage for a 30-second web spot for a private school in north Seattle.
• The old And Tears Fell remastered CDs are now up for sale on my online store. I make no claims as to their brilliance or lack thereof - they are simply a time capsule of Samantha's and my artistic collaboration in our college years and young married life. I kept the price point low, as this is old, lo-fi music recorded for an indie label and should not be construed as any sort of new release. Putting these albums back out into the virtual marketplace is simply a way to keep a small part of Bay Area alternative music history alive - to keep Sam singing as it were.
• Made my first new electronic solo music since releasing Impetus - Triskelle in 2005. I decided to re-embrace the Starbug identity of my past releases: funky, experimental, an homage to the pioneers of pop electronica (Bill Nelson, Kraftwerk, Art of Noise, Yello). But this is not the old Starbug. So the project is now called Starbug2.
• Put together the DVD menus for the OA DVD. Now just need to tweak the end credits.
• Conor sent me a mix of "Good Night My Love" with Julie, a vocalist friend of his, singing the lead. I love her voice, but it's important that the words be sung by me on the released recording, so he is going to remix the track to put Julie's vocals on the chorus and leave mine on the rest. Conor is really growing as a producer. This walkabout of his is going to be really productive for him, IMHO.
• Wrote two more scenes for an audio drama project for podcast. More on that later.
• Talked to two lawyers today about representing my non-covered losses from the fire, and hopefully working a settlement with RestorX's insurance carrier.
• This morning I noticed that there had been a power failure to the security system and when I tried to reset it, I got a blast of auditory trauma and a phone call from ADT. They're sending out a tech to fix the chronic problem with the mysterious Zone 3.
• Miscellaneous financial hoo hah that's not anyone else's business.
• Bought my Mother's Day cards a week in advance, and as of yesterday afternoon, they were sitting on my desk. So I called and/or emailed my moms and let them know they were loved, and I'll send out the cards this week. No such acknowledgement from the kids this year, after all the hubub about me being their mom AND dad last year. I'm not whining - it's just interesting how things change in a child's mind over the course of a year.
• Went out to lunch with my stepmom and got to see her new condo/apartment in Ballard. Nice building, 1960s construction, beautiful views.
• Considering writing a new play for directing in spring '08 for 12th Night at Youngstown. The artistic director and I have been discussing options for next season. If I did, it would be something simple with no more than 4 cast and a single set.
• Need to go get a new lawn mower and edger, as my yards are beginning to resemble the Brazilian rainforest.

...and that's all I can think of for now. I'll try to be more prompt with the posts this week. Sometimes it just gets away from you.

Cinco de Piratas

Had a great little partay last night with about 20 or so friends. Darlene is pretty much Julie Your Cruise Director in life, and arranged some great activities - from skull bowling to Mexican pirate flag making to a treasure hunt for the kids. Between Darlene and her boyfriend James, we were well set up with tacos pescados, fresh guacamole (muy caliente!), fresh salsa, Mexican sodas, and an aqua-blue jello mold full of gummi-seafood. Kayleigh built the fresh fruit skewers, and I made a rum punch and a virgin punch for the kids.

Darlene also arrived with a case of Pacifico, and I added my Full Sail. I think I drank 8 beers in 5-6 hours, but never felt impaired, nor did I have a hangover this morning. I'm so used to drinking dark ales and stouts with high alcohol content that a light Mexican cerveza hardly makes it to the radar - it is merely the refreshment it is meant to be. :)

Also ended up with a couple bottles of spirits as gifts - huzzah!

We had movies going on the big screen and plenty of pirate smack-talking going on. And I discovered that if I don't normally keep an earring in, my piercing shrinks up and hurts when I actually do wear something. So I'm back to being pierced 24/7. Just a small gold hoop - nothing outrageous. Oh, and I did the math and realized that if 40 is the new 30, then I must be 29. Or is it that once I hit 40 I back up to 30?

Anyway - must be off. Time for birthday dinner with the kids. Pegasus for some ravioli, please!

Home Sweet Home

I received this 8x10 glossy photo of my home from King County today. I ordered it last week and it made good time. It's not often I get the chance to say nice things about a municipal bureaucracy, so don't blink, or you might miss it! Anyway, this shot was taken in 1937, a good 15 years after it was built, and 8 of those during the Great Depression. It's a fascinating look back in time, considering the poor "Dust Bowl" like condition of the structure and the lack of just about anything in the vicinity. No Westwood Village, no government building, no giant locust tree in back - even my neighbor to the north appears to be missing (but it could just be a very tricky angle, and the lack of a car port can make the space look more expansive than it really is). The roads out here weren't even paved yet, and, while the house had water to it, it had no sewer hookup - occupants used an outhouse in back and the gray water just ran out behind the structure. King County also sent a copy of the appraisal file, containing copies of documents dating back to 1947 with much earlier references.

There is a sign of some sort on the front of the house which reads: H.C. PETERS HOUSE 858 EMPIRE BLDG. In looking at the file, I see that H.C. Peters is listed as the "fee owner" and "contract purchaser" with the dates 5-22-25 and 6-9-25 in parentheses. The name is listed on an improvement document listing upgrades to the property in 1947.

Now here's the fun part...

Guess what the appraised value of the property was in 1938. Combined value, lot and structure.

$290.

SOLD! Jeez, I just gotta get that time machine finished! What follows is a pretty interesting timeline of how the neighborhood has ebbed and flowed over the decades.

1948 - $350. Upgraded the same year to $600 after a remodel which included "good foundation + full basement. Plumbing roughed in for 24ft long basement. Also see new Lino." The value would not change for the next 10 years. I'm assuming the 1950s were not good to the Westwood area.

1959 - $760.

1962 - $880.

1965 - $1180. Finally breaks 4 figures!

1967 - $1390.

1971 - $1700.

Then it happened. In 1973, the owner(s) did a major renovation to the place, including landscape and the addition of the car port. They also finished a bedroom in the basement. According to our former neighbor who'd lived in his place since the early '70s, this would have been an elderly woman and her adult alcoholic son (apparently the basement bedroom, paneled in knotty pine, was for him). The County reassessed the value at $6260. Quite a step up from just five years previous.

The woman and her son lived in the house as late as the mid '80s, until her death. It's not clear what happened to the son, but the house sat abandoned for some time, and lack of care took its toll. Finally a husband & wife investment team bought the house in the low $50K range in 1994. They completed the basement into two bedrooms and a bath, with full laundry hookups. They replaced the roof, flooring and painted everything.

Then a young couple with a 10 month old son came along and purchased it for just under $100K in 1995. They doubled the square footage by building off the back of the house, adding a master suite downstairs and a dining room and family room upstairs. They leveled the back yard and fenced it. The value continued to climb between 11% and 13% annually as West Seattle became cleaner and more gentrified, and Westwood Village improved.

Then a flood and fire destroyed the place, and the rebuilt house now sits among vintage comps in the $350K-$425K range. When you factor in the fact that the flooring, wiring, heating, appliances, plumbing and insulation (including windows) is 100% brand new and there's coaxial cable and computer network hookups in all three downstairs bedrooms as well as the office and family room, I won't be surprised if my newly reappraised value comes back close to half a mil. While that ain't hardly nuthin' in, say, California real estate terms, it shows a remarkable history - of a home, a place, a quiet little street in a corner of West Seattle over the course of 85 years. A human lifespan.

Little City Farms, Division 5.

And Now For Some Good News

I thought it was poopy that the Seattle school district declined Tyler's transfer, citing lack of justification. How much did they need? Tyler wasn't learning, he was being bullied (and getting into altercations), his homeroom teacher was dismissive and apathetic, and he wasn't thriving. The old school doesn't have adequate counseling facilities. The new school has a fully staffed wellness center, had room for him and wants him to attend. The principal of the old school supports the transfer. Honestly, why was there any question? Don't answer - it's a rhetorical question.

Well, I ended up filing an Intent to Homeschool form with the district just to get Tyler through the last two months of school. What's nice is that Uncle Gavin happens to teach middle school, and sort of unoffically added Tyler to his lesson plan. So Tyler is doing a combined language arts and social studies unit on The Diary of Anne Frank and the holocaust. The math is coming from an online homeschooling lesson plan. The PE is coming from brisk walks with Wiley.

So the good news is this: I got a call from the new middle school verifying that Tyler was #1 on their wating list for next school year and that they actually had room for him and did I want to move him off the waiting list and have him attend next year, guaranteed...

Uh... YES!

The kids and I went out to dinner to celebrate. I'm very happy. Tyler's very happy. Kayleigh will have sibling priority in another year when she's ready for middle school. And it's walking distance from home.

I went to Conor's bedroom studio on Tuesday and recorded Good Night My Love. It's not in any condition to share with the general public yet, so if I offer to play it for you, you must be pretty special . We also recorded a pretty raucus jam version of (It's) Frank Sinatra's World (And We Just Live In It) - a total throwback to my old garage band days with Dave Beach and company. That was some fun and frolic.

Ordinary Angels was declined entry into SIFF this year. I blame the fact that we didn't have the finished cut in time for the decision deadline. Anyway, there are a ton of alternative festivals - the more genre the better! Off we go!

Darlene is throwing a Cinco de Mayo pirate party, and I'm using my place to host the event, seeing as how I have a closet full of pirate costumery and a projector screen upon which to show The Black Swan and Captain Blood. Not a bad way to turn 39. Surrounded by friends, dressed like a pirate and playing the Pirate Movie Drinking Game.

Totally Me

Love is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover...

Yeah, baby. Note how he knows what's coming, and as everyone else runs away, he keeps beckoning - BRING IT! Each wave gets closer and closer until it finally knocks him down.

Then he gets up again.

There's simultaneously total surrender and yet total strength. And a knowing smile. At peace with whatever life may bring. Because whatever may knock him down... he will get back up again.

Good Night My Love

Wow. Lot's of closure going on. As I've posted here before, I've been working on a tribute CD of old And Tears Fell music, re-recorded with people who knew Sam, as a sort of requiem. I can dedicate films and plays to her 'til the cows come home, but it still wouldn't close the door on our musical history together - thus the album.

We've been working on it weekends here and there for the past year and a half at Westside Studios (the digital digs of Brian "Dogfish" "Full Life Crisis" Chase), and are now at the mixing stage. It's packed with the best songs from our first three albums, and yet, I knew I wanted to write something new to kind of tie everything up in a nice bow. For the last few months, I've been playing around with a chord progression that can best be described as somewhere between this, this and this. And maybe a bit of this and this. And definitely this. But until today, whenever I thought of putting down lyrics, I only saw a blank page.

For whatever reason, today I was ready. As I was driving home from dropping the kids at school, a phrase came to me: "Two satellites in orbit", then: "Children holding hands". I started writing them down, and something just shook loose. Suddenly there was a fully-formed song staring at me from the page. Yes, it's sad. VERY sad. But it's the ultimate statement of where I'm at, and how I feel. I've composed music for Sam before - mostly instrumentals and one love song I wrote and recorded for her birthday in 1999. But I've never written a farewell like this - a farewell not only to the woman I spent twenty years with, but that entire life. It's VERY bittersweet, this saying farewell, but in order to make forward progress, one needs to make peace with the past and let it stay in the past.

My friend Conor has volunteered to record it, and if it turns out, I will include it at the end of Requiem, maybe as a "hidden" track.

Good Night My Love © 2007

We were children holding hands
Once upon a time
Two satellites in orbit
Around a love sublime

We kissed in darkness, made a pact
And held each other tight
You and me against the world
It all just felt so right

Chorus:
(Good night my love)
All you were to me
(Good night my love)
Is etched into my memory
(Good night my love)
And everything that was
(Good night my love)
Will always be inside of me

Your presence, it still lingers here
From night until the day
Your image smiling, voice in song
A ghostly cabaret

Lonely tears I’ve shed for you
I reach out for your touch
And take with me the memory
Of times I loved so much

Chorus:
(Good night my love)
All you were to me
(Good night my love)
Is etched into my memory
(Good night my love)
And everything that was
(Good night my love)
Will always be inside of me

Break:
Waking alone and gripped by hollow fear
All that I know is reduced to blur of tears
Time wasn’t on your side and I wonder - how I got here
So good night, my dear

One day we might see each other
Passing in the night
Until then I’ll draw the curtains
And put out the light

If you stop along your journey
Think of me sometime
Remember that brief shining moment
That we called a life

Chorus:
(Good night my love)
All you were to me
(Good night my love)
Is etched into my memory
(Good night my love)
And everything that was
(Good night my love)
Will always be inside of me

Good night my love
Good night my love