April Fool, Not.

Really good day yesterday.

Let's back up. Saturday was mostly spent in Dan's editing suite working on the the audio mix for Ordinary Angels. He has the added stress of just having moved into his new apartment just last week, so it was really incredible to have his dedication on this "final" mix. We will have a test burn of the screening DVD to watch on the projector here at home on Wednesday, and any last tweaks can be done between then and Friday. Next Saturday is the wrap party & screening, and although I'm nervous as hell, I'm also VERY excited to see this finally come together... right now... over me. Sorry for the Beatles ref, but I hit the sack at 9:30 last night so I'm up with the dawn and a bit unrestrained in terms of my brainal workings.

Brainal. I'm serious. Look it up.

Aaaaanyway, Kayleigh came with me and filled her time working on her history report while Dan & I edited. Then we came home about 6PM, had just enough time to grab a bite and change clothes, and then we were off to see Muriel's production of True West at Youngstown. This did not look like a directorial debut. Brava, Muriel! Caleb and Shandalla were at the show, along with Conor and some other Twelfth Night folks, so it was cool to catch up. Soon they will be seeing a lot more of each other when they take on Oklahoma this summer.

Caleb & Shandalla came back to the house afterward, and we got to have some drinks and actually socialize. Nothing work-related, nothing businessy, just a few friends chatting - love that. And now that Caleb's off in Bellingham at WWU, I don't get to see him as often, so it was really really cool.

Sunday began as always with coffee at the bookstore with Ron. Then Gavin & Michelle arrived (in their new '06 Kia Spectra, which now means all three siblings are driving recent-model Kias), picked up the kids and the dog and whisked them away to their bi-weekly boardgame gathering at a friend's home, which left me with about 8 hours of potential alone time...

...so of course I went to the Qwest Event Center and hung out with Steve & JD and my comic publishing buddies for the second day of Emerald City Comicon. My spies within the ECC organization didn't know I was coming, so I went ahead and bought a ticket from a very attractive brunette (what's up, attractive brunette?), rather than trying to weasel into the show with my production badge from OA. Steve, JD and Brian Beardsley were given prime table space along one of two major causeways this year, and attendance was booming (guess it's good to know the guys who run the con). All day long we sat directly across from Peter "Chewbacca" Mayhew, who is a very slender, very tall man - albeit walking a bit creakily now. Margot Kidder had been there on Saturday (stationed next to Mayhew), but was absent Sunday when I was there.

Next to THEM was a booth with three of the major players from Farscape: Gigi Edgley, Wayne Pygram and Lani Tupu. Edgley is a teeny sprite of a woman (her IMDB listing says she's 5'7", but she sure doesn't look it) - and VERY cute. Like, stick her in your pocket (and while you're down there...) cute.

Had a blast hanging out with Da Bros. Chatted at length with Brian "Boom Boom" Meredith, comic book IP powerhouse and one of the founders of ECC, and made a tentative deal to shoot TWO commercial spots: one for ECC as they move into the Washington State Convention Center next year, and one for The Comic Stop, the shop Brian runs.

Mike Oeming was there, all five-foot-nothin' of him, giving his standard arm wrestle challenge. $10 buys you a sit-down with Oeming, and you throw down. If he wins, you get a signed copy of his $10 con sketchbook - so you're not out anything. If YOU win, you get a page of original comic art. So it's really a win-win for the challenger, and Oeming usually benefits the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund with portions of his winnings. Well, some of you know JD is not only a comic artist but a fellow workoutaholic like Oeming, and at one point JD had one of the con staff offer to sponsor him if he'd wrestle Oeming. Sooooo glad I brought the camera!

So after Oeming beat a big Polynesian dude and made a show of getting owned by a female artist, JD got pushed through the crowd. Oeming saw him and cringed, "Awww Jeezus!", which was worth the price of the day's admission. Oeming then demanded "left!", and JD agreed, knowing that his left was his better arm for the job anyway. They squared off, and JD lasted longer than any of Oeming's other opponents. At one point, dudes behind Oeming started shouting, "SPARTA! SPARTA!", and JD took the cue to give Oeming a gutteral warcry - which only phased him for a moment. Oeming mimed turning his baseball cap around backwards, and closed the deal. It was by far the most entertaining bit of the day (and much better than when JD was accosted by Special Man at a show a few years back). Anyway, I will link to the video clip once I have it uploaded to YouTube. [UPDATE: HERE IT IS.]

Steve, JD, Beardsley (joined by his wife and stepson) and I all went to a very crowded Red Robin for dinner, and after a beer and a chicken burger, I hit the road home. Arrived just in time to do a quick CoH mission before Gavin dropped the kids home and by then it was time to head to bed.

Good weekend. Lots of fun, lots of interactions - business and friends both.

Whew!

This last week has been a blur. Looking at my Outlook calendar, I see at least one meeting every weekday, some on weekends, and several projects being juggled simultaneously. The upside is that it's all stuff I want to be doing... well, mostly.

The stuff I have to do is a bit less fun. Like re-enroll Tyler in Seattle Public Schools, then immediately appeal the automatic placement back at his former school. Or get my tax info together. Or get my health insurance sorted out. Bleh. Gotta do it, but... Bleh.

We're now a week away from the Ordinary Angels wrap party & screening. Going to the editor's new place on Saturday to do a final mix of the dialogue and music. Was supposed to go out to dinner with Sarah, but that seems to have fallen through, so I will go to Muriel's production of True West instead, and that will free up Sunday afternoon to make an appearance at the Emerald City ComiCon. I wish I had OA movie posters ready, but we haven't finalized the D Constructed corporate ID stuff yet.

Had coffee with my co-producer Darlene this morning, supposed to meet with Jason Parker this afternoon to go over a horn part for the And Tears Fell CD, then tonight is Gilda's Club. Tomorrow I get to take Tyler to the doc's for a med check. He's on a very small dose right now, but I totally know when he misses one. Tyler got a hamster last weekend, the lovely and talented Wolfgang Amadeus Hamster. He is pretty focused around the little guy. It's good to see.

Must be off - grab some lunch before my afternoon meeting. Will check in after the weekend.

Busy Bee

Sorry for the days sans posting, but I've been finishing up the film and fininshing up the CD art for Full Life Crisis, as well as getting Tyler re-enrolled in school and getting our health insurance sorted out. And getting my taxes together. And starting a new media company.

You know, nothing much.

In other news, I got back to the gym today and had a great 1-hour cardio workout. Yay, me. I started feeling the "settle" again, and decided to head it off at the pass. I feel so much better when I'm getting exercise - with such a sedentary job, a good sweat does wonders. And the body remembers... after a week of this, I will tighten right back up again. And the ol' endorphins have kicked in and despite an achy ribcage I have a ton more energy today.

Gotta get down to the storage unit to grab 3 cases of Red Dwarf RPG to ship to my distributor in CA. Which reminds me - I have to do the Q4 royalty report too. Get in line. Hmmm. Anyone wanna buy a used publishing company? ;)

This is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Wow - this takes me back. I was watching a mediocre documentary on the marvelous Sarah McLachlan and was reminded of when she kicked off the US leg of her Fumbling Towards Ecstacy tour at the student center at Western Washington University in Bellingham. Sam was extremely pregnant with Tyler and the concert promoters very generously let her sit on a comfy sofa on the side near the front of the stage. Lucky us (hey - I'm the dad - I get to sit too, cause I'm like, with the band- I mean, the pregnant woman).

She actually got everyone in the packed auditorium to sit on the floor so that everyone could see.

Trite as it is, Sarah McLachlan provided much of the soundtrack to my relationship with Sam as we started married life, moved to a new state and raised a family. She'd been one of precious few vocal influences when Sam was singing with And Tears Fell, and we always felt like we'd been in on a really cool secret because we'd been fans since the first album.

Anyway, this song resonates with me, for pretty obvious reasons.

Have You Ever...

From Ali's & Lisa's blogs... my 150 in red

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink - My friends were the only ones in the pub at the time
2. Swam with dolphins - only at a distance... been much closer to otters, stingrays, baracudas and sharks
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula - our Boss Game Studios office mascot, Kirby
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone you love
8. Said "I love you" and meant it - If I say it, I always mean it...
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris - why Paris specifically??
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - been in the middle of one, at the helm... pretty effin' scary
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg - it was a glacier, but yeah
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper - often
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne - often
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger - about a year ago, the night after our fire... can you say "insecure"??
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster - grew up going to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk and Great America
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - British and Australian, both as acting exercises
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer - only TWO??
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - no, but got drunk with strangers in a foreign country, and might've danced, but can't recall
44. Watched wild whales - California grays, orcas and minkes
45. Stolen a sign - I didn't steal it, but I am in possession of a sign that may or may not have been procured by a friend as a wedding gift
46. Backpacked in Europe - rode in a backpack through Europe as a wee lad
47. Taken a road-trip - SCA member for a decade... road trips galore!
48. Gone rock climbing - Pinnacles National Park
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland - honeymoon
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow - cousins had a dairy farm
56. Alphabetized your CDs - it never lasts... now I group by genre
57. Pretended to be a superhero - as a kid, I had two alter-egos: Rainbowman and Dart-Man! Evildoers, beware!
58. Sung karaoke - Just Like Heaven by The Cure
59. Lounged around in bed all day - in the golden days before children blessed our lives
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving - former NAUI certified skindiver (i.e. everything but the tanks)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business - since age 14, I have been involved in at least a dozen start-ups
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - is that even possible??
69. Toured ancient sites - American Southwest, UK, Ireland, Greece
70. Taken a martial arts class - Heian Karate, back in Santa Cruz
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - 6 hours?? Pussies. We did marathons throughout high school and college that went 12 or 14 hours in a stretch, totalling 24-36 hours in a single weekend... and I can say it proudly, knowing I was still getting laid (in fact, Sam was often in the game group) - and D&D is soooo junior high... we'd moved on to Cyberpunk, Call of Cthulhu and Star Wars by then
72. Gotten married - you know it... best day of my life (aside from being there when my kids were born)
73. Been in a movie - several
74. Crashed a party - and they were all the better for it
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice - the gondolas in Venice are a friggin rip off... water taxis and water buses are the way to go
80. Gotten a tattoo - Samantha's winged heart icon, right calf; India ink pen dot, left thumb (long story)
81. Rafted the Snake River - not the Snake, but the American, Colorado, Stanislaus, and Rogue.
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage - holy Jeebus, yeah
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music - again, holy Jeebus, yeah
87. Eaten shark - tacos pescados on the wharf in Ensenada
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish) - that's just crazy
89. Had a one-night stand - it was a one-day stand, but yeah...
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house - same one I'm living in now
92. Been in a combat zone - no, but I live 3 blocks from White Center (unincorporated King County, whose major exports are heroin, crack, $2 blowjobs and murder)
93. Buried one/both of your parents - scattered my dad off Santa Cruz, CA
94. Been on a cruise ship - Alaska, 1999
95. Spoken more than one language fluently - first spoken language was German, but my fluency has declined terribly... wie schade
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children - still a work-in-progress... check back with me in ten years
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - Seattle, 1991... a decision we never regretted (and I still don't regret)
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - used to cut school and drive up to San Francisco... that was a good day
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking - in fact, I cranked the window down and gave the snooty bitch a free concert
103. Had plastic surgery - cyst removal, right shoulder... and of course, the then-common infant male cosmetic surgery (but I didn't have a say in that)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived - about age 2, went head-on into my grandfather's windshield (don't hold a toddler on your lap, people!), put a huge spiderweb into it, should have done terrible damage to the poor noggin, yet didn't even break the skin (but might explain some other things); age 14, hit-and-run while riding my 10-speed bike (by a woman in a Mercedes - to this day I will not drive one), threw me out into oncoming traffic; about age 14, riding with both siblings with my dad in his MG (don't cram 3 kids into a 2-seater sportscar, people!), hit passenger-side by a speeding cadillac, threw our car into the air to land on the sidewalk almost 360-degrees, miraculously no injuries; age 21, on the way back from Mexico, rear-ended on the freeway by an ex-con doing over 90 mph in a "borrowed" car with no insurance... we could have easily been flipped into the neighboring lanes, but Randy is an awesome driver and recovered quickly - then we chased him down and made him wait for the cops (how about that adrenalin??)
105. Written articles for a large publication - "large publications" in the game industry, sure
106. Lost over 100 pounds (45.5 kilograms)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback - held Samantha when she was having a bad shroom trip
108. Piloted an airplane - my cousin's Cessna, for about 5 mins
109. Petted a stingray - up close and personal, Virgin Islands
110. Broken someone's heart - not my best day ever
111. Ridden a bike - I grew up in 1970s & '80s suburbia... remember the kids in E.T.?? That was us!
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone - finger & toe fractures only, nothing major
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - all of the above
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - many varieties eaten with meals at B&Bs all over the UK, plus some psilocybin in high school
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery - impacted wisdom teeth, subdermal cyst removal, hernia repair
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states - wow, I guess so!
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days - rafting on the American
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - just fish, nothing with legs
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - used to work landscaping with Mexican day laborers
139. Been elected to public office - don't think VP of the high school Thespian Club counts somehow
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - readers of this blog sure know the answer to this
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ - in college, some friends and I were collectively known as the Music Fascists
148. Shaved your head - almost... pinfeather marine buzzcut for South Pacific
149. Caused a car accident - driving a delivery truck I couldn't see out of (no injuries, thankfully)
150. Saved someone's life - stopped a horse from trampling a kid at summer camp; treated a woman for shock at the scene of a remote car accident in the Oregon mountains

Future Echoes

Today's title comes from the immortal Red Dwarf television show. The episode in question deals with the crew encountering visions of themselves in projected future events. Which is pretty much what life has been like for the past week. I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep or the mad juggling act I'm performing 24/7, but I have been experiencing a lot of what can only be described as reverse deja vu. Everyone has experienced deja vu - that feeling you've been there and seen/heard/felt/said that before. This feeling, on the other hand, is distinctly precognitive in nature. A weird feeling like, "I know X, Y and Z is going to happen like so..." and within a day or so, it does. The last time I experienced this phenomenon was shortly after my grandfather died, but it was in the form of lucid dreaming. In this case, I'm fully awake and just kind of suddenly aware of the short-term future. Weird.

I guess my perception of the temporal stream has shifted during the past week because I've been going through more boxes. Almost all of Samantha's clothes have been parted out - some are being kept by Kayleigh, and the rest are going to the Twelfth Night costume shop or a local women's shelter. I also ran across a lot of old artwork, my high school and college newspaper comic strips, and a lot of band art and photos (including the photo of yours truly, circa 1985, from a Things Fall Apart shoot). Ticket stubs from Love And Rockets and Amnesty International tours (where we saw Sting, Peter Gabriel, U2, & Lou Reed among others).

Note: Sam & I had already been together for a year when the photo of that kid was taken. Talk about perspective.

Dan has done a phenominal job with the opening title sequence on OA. He's layered a bunch of the gritty footage I shot with Ron a few weeks ago, and combined it with a crunchy song from our old label mates, Mute Angst Envy.

The school I was trying to get Tyler into rejected his application on the grounds that they would not be able to provide what he needs. It's a safe decision. Not the right decision in my opinion, but at this point the question is moot. So it's back to the public schools - in this case, a middle school not six blocks away with high academic standards and a combined-learning curriculum that resembles college lecture/lab work. Ever onward.

Further Along

Tyler is asleep on the family room sofa, as he was up late playing DROD, the puzzle game series in which he is heard as the voice of Halph, the precocious nephew of main character Beethro. He was then up early, cooking scrambled eggs for me and a grilled cheese sandwich for his sister. The head of Tyler's intended school should be talking to his counselor at Highline Mental Health, and will hopefully render a decision as to his enrollment this coming week. He has been trying to help out a bit more around the house, as has Kayleigh - I think they feel badly about having run me ragged over the past week.

We had the Bergs over for pizza and movies last night. You may recall my mention of Mike Berg, who played bass on the And Tears Fell Requiem CD. He and his wife have 2 little girls, the eldest of whom is one of Kayleigh's best friends. We watched the remastered Swiss Family Robinson, but were unable to finish Flushed Away before they had to go. Played Mike the rough mix of Devil's Lullaby from Requiem, and he's pleased as punch. If only he was as good-looking as punch... (you know I love ya, Mike!)

As I type this, the soft tones of Kayleigh's clarinet practice wafts through my office door from the living room. She has a great command of her practic music, with only the rarest squawk to be heard. I even walked in on her in mid-practice yesterday, lecturing Tyler about quarter notes and eighth notes as he looked on in awe.

She got full marks from the music teacher for last semester too. Meanwhile, she plays Samantha's old recorder (which is much like the clarinet in terms of technique), acoustic guitar, bass, and sings aloud to her i-river whenever she can. Not only do I see the natural music talent coming through, but I also see a real commitment to musical study. While I have a modicum of natural musical ability, I never had the patience or perseverance to study it properly - thus everything I have done has been without benefit of reading sheet music; it has all been by ear and memory.

Which brings us back to the Requiem CD. I just got back from Brian's studio, where we spent about an hour and a half going through each song and making a grid of what still needed to be done. I am pleased to report that most songs are actually good to go - all the elements are there. There are two tracks that require a vocal redo by Muriel, one that requires a short acoustic guitar riff, and one where we are going to strip out the drums altogether and just to a shaker & tambourine to make it more smooth and intimate (sorry Steven, but you knew that was probably gonna happen). So the project as a whole is a lot more "done" than I had thought!

Meanwhile, I showed Brian the CD package design I'd done for his band, Full Life Crisis. They are about to release their debut CD, and I offered my services in exchange for Brian's production on my project - I only hope it ends up a fair trade on Brian's part, because I have the feeling I'm getting the better deal.

Redemption

Wow. After I pried Tyler and Kayleigh apart for the second day straight, things settled down somewhat. Tyler fell asleep on the sofa last night as I watched The Illusionist (which, by the way, gets full marks from me as a very satisfying and beautifully made cinematic experience).

This morning I awoke at 6:40AM to find that at some point during the night, Kayleigh had crawled into bed with me and Wiley was poking his head up over the side of the bed, looking very much like he was trying to will us awake with his incredible Doggie Psychic Powers. Within moments, Tyler arrived next to the bed, spatula in hand. "I made breakfast!" he announced.

At first I remembered the last cooking fiasco, which included forks and/or dry Hamburger Helper in the microwave, and my teeth clenched a bit. I forced myself awake, and we all trundled upstairs to find that Tyler had researched a recipe on the Interwebs and was making a stack of French toast. It was DELICIOUS, and I told him so many times over.

Got Kayleigh on the bus. Gonna get into my track pants and head to the gym while my video is rendering, then tonight is Gilda's. I lead the glamorous life.

Kids For Sale

What is it about some days and siblings?? It's like they can't possibly be in the same room together, and yet they wail and gnash their teeth if I dare separate them. Tyler was nipping at my heels all day pretty solidly, and once his sister got home, it was a one-way ticket to Crazytown. At one point, I just kicked them out of the top floor of the house - take that energy downstairs or face the Wrath of Dad. And when Dad gets serious and starts talking really quiety, you KNOW he means business.

I finally got to sleep about Midnight, and was promptly awakened by Kayleigh at 4AM. Got her back to bed, and just as I was drifting off, I was awakened by the sound of Wiley scuffling about on the downstairs floor (he's usually asleep in Tyler's room at 4:30AM). Wiley being the Harbinger of Short Sticky People, I was not at all surprised to hear Tyler upstairs, banging around in the kitchen.

Some parents might go all gooshy when recalling their kids' tween years, but honestly from where I'm standing, I won't miss this phase. I don't know how other single parents do this. Sometimes it just feels like I'm totally in over my head. Add into this the whole WAVA admissions disaster and the painfully slow process of admissions at other local schools, and I'm about ready to go find those Visigoths.

I had a great coffee date with the singer of a local band on Sunday. Ordinary Angels is in the home stretch for post. We've booked the screening. D Constructed Media continues to evolve. Got the rough mix of Devil's Lullaby from Brian, including Steven's live drums. I sent it to Randy and I think it freaked him out a little. "This is weird," he said. "You've never had live drums before." Well, yeah. Live drums are gonna make it all a lot more organic sounding.

Excuse me - I'm about to be attacked by a vicious nap.

Can't Sleep

It's after 4AM and I can't sleep.

I was just drifting off at about 2 when Kayleigh came in suffering from another nightmare. In this one, I'd been electrocuted. I cuddled with her for a little bit, then put her back to bed, explaining that when someone you love dies in your dreams, it means your relationship is changing. And as my little girl will be hitting the double digits in age this year, one might say that's a pretty safe bet.

Heavy night at Gilda's too. Three new members, one of whom lost her husband to leiomyosarcoma. That made three of us in the room who'd lost someone to LMS, one of the rarest cancers of all. The nice thing about new group members is that we all get to tell our stories again. And as anyone in the counseling field knows, telling one's story is a powerful healing tool.

My stepmom finally sold Volant. That Ted Brewer-designed steel-hulled beauty was their home for almost 15 years, and took them safely from Florida up the Eastern Seaboard to Canada, through the Caribbean and across the Gulf of Mexico to South America, and had even made the journey through the Panama Canal and up the West Coast to Canada (on a Dutch transport ship) before arriving back home in Seattle. It was her home with my dad - THEIR home. So I fully support her decision to sell Volant as a means of moving forward on her journey. And I know my dad does too, wherever he is.

I've recently been moving into a pretty peaceful place, emotionally. The recent grief mega-wave crashed over me and finally washed back out to sea, leaving me in a good position to move forward on my own journey. I have clarity as to where I'm at, where I'm going, and that I'm ready for something more substantial than a bunch of casual dating. The part of me that has been dormant for the last 2 years has reawakened - and although progress might be a bit tentative at first, I have no doubt the right circumstance will bring about a wonderful transformation. You're not following this at all, are you? That's okay - I'm not sure how coherent it is anyway. Suffice to say, I have a coffee date on Sunday, and I'm very much looking forward to it.

Following Seas...

I have often eulogized and rambled in this space about my father. Every reader of this blog knows what a great guy he was, what a supportive and nurturing husband and parent he was, what a silly and generous grandparent he was. Everyone knows how close we were, and how much he was loved.

Doesn't change anything. He's gone, and I miss him.

Happy Birthay, Pop.

Awkward Morning Experience

I know this borders on shilling... heck, it's outright panhandling for votes. As I mentioned last week, D Constructed Media shot three TV spots for a morning radio show (The BJ Shea Morning Experience) here in Seattle - specifically for a contest. Almost more important than the $10K prize for the audience fave, the spot will be shown on the Seattle Fox affiliate during prime time. It's great exposure for our work, and could lead to steady commercial gigs.

Anyway, here is the link to vote. One vote per person. Our spot is the #2 listing, the "Awkward Morning Experience" (which features Eric Riedmann from Ordinary Angels and the lovely Linsey Price in the towel). Just check the box and hit the button marked SUBMIT TOP 10 (don't ask... we're well aware there are only 5).

There are some clever spots in the batch, but I think ours and the Cheerleader Pillow Fight are the best targeted at Shea's demographic. And ours has TWO gags for the price of one!

Here are all three spots... in full rez!

Return to Innocence

Two posts in one day??

Yeah well... this is too good to let slide. I'm playing my chill working playlist and have my photos on a random cycling slideshow while I take care of my email on the other machine.

Enigma's "Return to Innocence" (the one with the Native American shamanic chant) just began playing, at the moment this picture showed up...

That's not the beginning of the end

That's the return to yourself

The return to innocence

Love - Devotion

Feeling - Emotion

Love - Devotion

Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak

Don't be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say

Just follow your own way

Don't give up and lose the chance

To return to innocence

You Can Run, But...

I was 14 when my dad and stepmom married, so I never got particularly close with her family. Soon, I was in my late teens, totally self-absorbed with making films and music and having this amazing love affair with Samantha. It wasn't until Sam & I moved north to Seattle that I got a little more comfy with the Hitchcock clan. My dad was, of course, very close to them. And they rallied when Sam and my father were in the home stretch. When we were on the edge of financial ruin due to medical debt, they stepped in. When dad was in the ICU at UW Hospital, they kept watch in shifts.

My step-uncle Keith recently had what can be described as a mild stroke. But my stepmom just notified me that the doctors have done a CT scan and have found what appears to be a tumor in his lungs. Cancer? Maybe. Please understand that I want so much to be positive and root for the home team, but every time the C-word comes up, I will readily admit that I brace for the worst. Prayers are welcome.

Perhaps I was already warmed up for the conversation with my stepmom. You see, cold meds can wreak havoc on the REMsleep/dreaming thing, and the last couple nights while I've been fighting off the flu bug du jour, I've been having a bunch of nightmares. So this morning, I awoke early and went upstairs to check a couple films off my list. And as whatever passes for fate would have it, both Elizabethtown and Wit were in my red envelopes.

Elizabethtown is a Cameron Crowe film, and as sappy as his material can sometimes be, I have always admired his way of telling a story. From the Fast Times at Ridgemont High screenplay to Say Anything to Singles to Almost Famous, there's a human commonality to be found. In brief, a young professional man's career and future bottom out - he's finished. His girlfriend breaks it off. He will forever be unemployable. And at the moment he is about to commit suicide, his sister calls to tell him their father just died. The film deals with the son going cross country to deal with obscure relations and supervise the memorial and cremation of his father. In the midst of the journey, he meets a woman who reignites his "pilot light".

What I love about the character is that she doesn't distract him from his pain - she supports him in it fully. The message seems to be: Go ahead and give yourself time to wallow in it - give in to the dark, sweet melancholy. Just remember to surface - and when you do, I'm here. As I watched this guy take the urn with his father's ashes on a road trip home, scattering bits of him at places they'd visited together, I was reminded of scattering my dad in the Pacific Ocean off Santa Cruz, CA, where I spent a great deal of my formative years. And of my stepmom's world travels to scatter some of him in places they'd been together, or where he'd always wanted to go. I didn't buy some of the romantic cheese, but some of it was actually dead-on (at least from my own experience). And although some say the film meanders, I would argue that after the death of a parent, your whole goddamn LIFE meanders. So there. Similar in vibe to Garden State. [EDIT: I know I said "similar in vibe to Garden State", but it's not even close to being in the same ballpark of quality - just wanted to clarify]

Wit, on the other hand, was brutal. I don't know why I made myself watch the whole thing, except that Emma Thompson is undeniably brilliant in the role of a career academic with no family who undergoes radical chemotherapy for late-stage ovarian cancer. It's an amazing piece of work and should be required viewing for anyone wanting to go into medicine. Even though much of the film breaks the fourth wall in Emma's monologues to the audience, the character's experience is frighteningly, viscerally real, and spot-on in terms of what I witnessed Samantha endure for almost three years. And that is why I streamed tears for 98 minutes.













The transformation from flashback college student to middle-aged college professor to bald, dying cancer patient is astonishing to behold. The makeup was so accurate there were times I had to do a double-take to make sure I was watching Emma and not Sam. The sunken, glassy eyes; the yellow splotches of jaundiced skin; the mouth sores; the skinny, frail body; the chest port. Thank God she was able to die in relative peace at home - not mistakenly code blue, being strongarmed by a crash team in the hospital. Once again, it reminded me of my dad, who was intubated by a crash team who attempted to revive him. There were no heroic measures taken, but I still think, regretfully, that it was more intervention than he would have ultimately wanted. In the end, that's just my opinion - not what he signed.

Anyway, some powerful stuff. If you are somehow perversely interested in what a terminal cancer patient goes through, read Sam's blog and watch Wit. There's something of human value there.

Marathon Session

My drummer buddy Steven Fox came up this weekend. In early 1989 he'd come into the Kinko's where I worked in college when he was playing with a San Francisco band called Show & Tell. He needed fliers. Almost two decades later and I still haven't been able to shake him.

I saw Show & Tell open for Voice Farm at the Stone in SF. Shortly thereafter, Show & Tell reformed into Atomic Snakes (my favorite incarnation). They were making solid, clean, new wave-style alternative rock in the age of Nirvana and Soundgarden. You might guess what happened to that project. Then Steven began drumming for Riots, kind of a club/rave project. For whatever reason, the dude has just never been in the right place or time to sieze a particular zeitgeist and get signed. So now he happily plays at the "hobbyist" level, despite a great talent and a warm, friendly and non-elitist personality (a rarity of in almost any genre of music).

He was hanging out at our Fremont, CA home studio when the first And Tears Fell album was being recorded. I'd been wanting to collaborate with the guy since forever, and aside from sampling some of his drums for my various Starbug/Impetus works, we'd never actually played on the same album together. So it was a real treat when he accepted my invitation to play drums on the And Tears Fell "Requiem" project.

I can't tell you how awesome it was to have my old friend show up in Seattle to bash out all eleven tracks in less than 4 hours. Considering that ATF had always used programmed drums, it marked a technical first. And after 18 years, we've finally been able to collaborate. We even broke for lunch at one point and headed around the corner to the restaurant where Muriel was working, so the two of them were actually able to meet. All in all, we were in the studio from 10AM until almost 2PM, broke for an hour and then went back in to go over a few bits and pieces - we were gone by 5PM. And even as much drumming as Steven did, I think I was more exhausted just from having watched him play.

I put him on the plane back to San Jose today. We both have a good feeling and a real sense of completion about this album. Now to finish up the fiddly work.

V Day Revisited

There are a few of us who have earned the right to say "Bay humbug!" on Valentine's Day. In my case, it's not what you might think - I mean, there's the obvious bitterness of having lost my true valentine, but it's really that I have always bristled at the notion that we must mark our calendars and make conspicuous displays of material giving to support the greeting card, candy and jewelry industries. Oh yeah - and flowers.

I have written here previously that Samantha and I made a tradition of doing something extra nice for each other NOT on V Day. Today also marks one year since I sat on my front lawn and watched as my home burned. So now of course the urge to flip February 14th a big middle finger is especially dominant.

It got off to a GREAT start too. I went in to my local Supercuts to get a quick clean-up of back & sides. As I was the first one into the shop this morning, there was a chair waiting for me. The chirpy stylist immediately dove in.

Her: So you getting cleaned up for a hot Valentine's date tonight?

Me: No.

That should have done it. But she would not be stopped so early in the game.

Her: Ah! That must mean you're MARRIED!

Me: Used to be.

Again, you'd think she'd get the clue. But no.

Her: Awww, what happened?

Are you kidding me?? Okay lady, you asked.

Me: I lost my wife to cancer two years ago.

Normally, that stops a conversation dead in its tracks. By all accounts, she should have just shut the hell up and finished the haircut. Wrong again!

Her: Ohhhh. WHAT KIND?

This hair stylist is superhuman, I'm convinced.

Me: Unknown primary. Attacked her liver and lungs.

Not to be outdone, she then proceeds to tell me about her friend who had a cancer of unknown primary in his mid 20s and died. Thank you. I had no idea I would get a cancer story with my haircut on Valentine's Day - how generous of you.

She finishes the haircut. And to top it all off, as I am getting up to leave...

Her: I hope you feel better.

WTF?? I came in here feeling just fine, lady. It was the grilling and anecdotes that put this scowl on my face, and my smile will return once I'm out of this establishment and back in my car - away from you.

So yeah. Screw you, Valentine's Day. There was a time when I was jealous so many couples strolled around with goofy adoring looks when I'd lost the object of my affection. But not anymore; I don't begrudge anyone his or her happiness. But it'd be a lot nicer if that sappy, glazed "I'm in love" look everybody floated around wearing today would show up on every other day too. Like Christmas, there's an inherent cultural expectation of affection and gift-giving. But if you do it simply because the calendar says you should, I say you aren't clear on the concept behind it.

I'll try to make my next post cheerier.

Happy Birthday

Dear Samantha,

We looked forward to this day, the two of us. We each wanted to plan something cool for the other's milestone, and talked of going to Hawaii or back to the Virgin Islands. That will not happen now. At least, not for this occasion.

This was always the short window of time when you were 2 years ahead of me, instead of just 1. We would joke how your were a cradle-robbing perv, preying on the poor defenseless underclassman. When we could afford it, I'd get you a day at the spa, or some other way to pamper yourself. We'd always go out to dinner with the family, at a place of the birthday-person's choosing. And we'd always get intimate time together after the kids were in bed.

Your chocolate cake is here, with a big wax four and zero on it. Kayleigh insisted.

How much our lives have changed since you were the age I am now. You've gone on to new horizons, and I've found my own here on Earth.

Our children are growing up - you would hardly recognize them in some ways, and yet you would always know them as your own. Tyler is fully on the road to becoming a man, and Kayleigh now charts a course in your performance footsteps. She sings along to our old music and practices makeup application in her bedroom. That should sound familiar to the suburban California teenage thespian who once caught my eye in drama class, and who met my shoes years earlier while we were both working tech on Romeo and Juliet at the Palo Alto Children's Theater.

I will always miss your presence, but the hurt of your passing has dilluted with time. And you will always have my love, that part of my heart that blossomed in having grown up with you. That love will not grow weaker with time - that is a constant, and will endure as long as our energy lives on.

Happy 40th birthday, Sam. You may not have made this milestone in the flesh, but we celebrate it in your honor anyway. Love, always.

Todd

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Three to four hours sleep a night for the past week + boxes of Sam's stuff + heavy Gilda's session + food poisoning from the taqueria across from the PolyClinic = a crazy night of dreams.

Crazy. I haven't had food poisoning in a long time, which is really amazing considering how much I eat out. Hell, I never got this sick eating Mexican food in MEXICO. After the crampy back-and-forth to stink up my bathroom for a couple hours, I collapsed in bed at 11PM, which is a huge achievement, considering my pillow hasn't seen me before 2 or 3AM for the past week. And boy did I ever dream. A cast of thousands. Family, friends, Sam. I don't even remember what they were about, specifically. Except one bit where the dead husband of one of my Gilda's friends told me to "tell Jeanne I'll see her in Guatemala." Ordinarily, this would be one of those dream non sequiturs, however she's just bought property in Guatemala and is relocating there. So that's interesting.

I didn't wake until NPR erupted from my alarm clock at 7AM. Eight solid hours, but I feel like I've been run over by an incontinent elephant. Perhaps it's the residual burrito bacteria. Perhaps I was working overtime on the astral plane. Perhaps both. I'm taking it easy today, remastering audio and trying to get my strength back for a commercial shoot tomorrow. Fortunately I don't have to direct, just operate the camera. Huzzah.

The kids want to celebrate Sam's birthday on Sunday, so we'll get a cake and do that. Which is fine. If it were just me, I'd drink a bottle of red and pass out on the sofa.

Speaking of the Cardigans (wha??), I love this song and video. They are incredibly underrated.

Boxes

RestorX brought the last of the boxes today. I couldn't bear to make another maze in my downstairs, so I had them stack them against the house in the carport.

Sam's clothes are in about 5 or 6 of them. Her pajamas still smell like chemo.

In another uncanny twist, a box from my bro Randy in CA arrived this morning - a bunch of archive DVDs with our old music on them. Sam's and mine. Stuff that I lost in the fire, stuff that I'd not heard in more than 10 years. Happier times. It's good to have this distraction because I don't want to face the boxes of Sam's stuff right now.

Sam's would-be 40th birthday is coming up on Sunday, then the 1 year marker of the Great Valentine's Day Fire of Old Westwood Town, then my dad's would-be 63rd birthday.

So, I pretty much hate February now, just on principle.

Tra la la.

How Appropriate

In the visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me brokenhearted

There it goes away it goes
In the night it slips away
There I leave all that I loathe
Escape before the day breaks

That holy dream, that holy dream
While the world were all chiding
Cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding
Spirit guiding

- Daughter Darling, "Absconding"

TIme Flies

Wow. It's already Saturday. The week has just zoomed by. Much of it was spent placating various government bureaucracies (the joys of owning one's own business). Wednesday night was Gilda's. Not much to say there. Thursday saw our rough cut submission of Ordinary Angels to SIFF. Thursday and Friday night I got to chill with the kids, which was cool. Friday night's movies were Click and Flyboys. Click was much better than I expected, which is how most Adam Sandler movies end up. I go in with such low expectations that I'm always somewhat pleasantly surprised. There's a lot to like about the film: Walken as a crazy ethereal technogeek, Kate Beckinsale as the hottest housewife ever, the awesome pair of Henry Winkler and Julie Kavner as Sandler's parents, David Hasselhoff as the obnoxious yuppie boss, and Sean Astin as a speedo-clad swimming coach/suitor for Kate's affections.

The message is pretty clear and simple: DON'T FAST FORWARD THROUGH YOUR LIFE, and DON'T WASTE A SINGLE MOMENT.

One thing's for sure - if I were married to Kate Beckinsale, it'd be pretty hard to be a workaholic, what with us never leaving the house and all... I can suspend my disbelief only so far. A "universal" remote that controls your universe? Sure, I'll accept that. But fast forwarding through sex with Kate Beckinsale?? Sorry. Not buying it.

Flyboys was pretty much what I expected. A sweeping WWI epic adventure drama. With cool vintage aeroplanes. And zeppelins. And as everyone knows, EVERY movie is better with zeppelins*. I don't know about EVERY German plane being a bright red Fokker triplane (as if everyone was Manfred von Richtofen). There were only 300-some made during the war, and during the period depicted in the film, most German pilots would have been flying Albatros D-3s. I guess the producers thought it would be easier for the audience to differentiate between the good guys and bad guys. Shrug. It wasn't terrific, but it's pretty well executed and enjoyable, with some "holy crap that was cool" moments.

* One day, I will write the ultimate pulp screenplay, and it will include zeppelins, monkeys, ninja, pirates AND robots (and they will all have jetpacks and tommy guns). And maybe a flying bear that shoots lasers out of its eyes. 'Cause that would rock.

Went into the studio today with Muriel to get her vocals done for the And Tears Fell CD. It's sounding great, and I think Brian is looking forward to getting my project out the door. Met with some of the guys from his band, Full Life Crisis, and went over some concepts for their CD art. I am charged with the design for their upcoming album, a task I gladly assume. In 2 weeks, Steven "Thug Drummer" Fox comes up to add his bashing to the mix. Looking forward to the visit. We never have enough time to just chill out and be friends - there's always a schedule. And of course there will be a schedule somewhat, but we'll be hanging out in addition to the studio time. Still trying to get on a schedule with Jason Parker for a horn solo on Fire Inside. We shall see.

Superbowl tomorrow (aka today). Don't really care. See you this week!

Benevolent Creator

Thanks, Dave... that's a really cool and insightful test.

Benevolent Creator

You are a Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.

While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.

You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

The Things We Do For Our Kids

For once, Tyler actually wanted to go see a movie as a family. I figured, "Hey! That doesn't happen very often - what a great thing this is!"

So he picked Epic Movie. (Cue wah-wah trombone.)

OK, I was somewhat entertained. It made me chuckle in parts, and it made me squirm in others. Some of the shtick was so lowbrow my shins were sore when it was over. It's like a 90-minute version of a MAD TV sketch gone horribly awry. But I guess it's aimed at Tyler and his peers, so what did I expect? Oddly enough, when the lights came up, Tyler remarked, "That was like a really long Flash movie," referring to the copius amount of hastily drawn and animated random comedy 'toons made with Flash and floating around the interwebs.

I cleansed my palette by watching Waiting..., which came in this week's crop of Netflix. Which was like gargling with toilet water to get the taste of toilet water out of my mouth. Actually it was better than that... I like Mac guy and Blade 3 guy and The Office guy. And Dane Cook is amusing as a pierced and tribally-inked cook. And the lovely and talented Jordan Ladd is always a treat. The script is okay overall, but the basic premise that a bunch of restaurant staff actually hang out together 24/7 is a bit odd. I know when I worked in food service, you could not PAY me to hang out with my coworkers. And when Sam worked as a hostess at Lyon's, she couldn't WAIT to get home every night.

Anyway... super psyched about the Deep Mosey thing. And Scott from Autumn's Grey Solace answered my email, saying that they were interested in licensing Cold Sea for the opening credits of OA. The sound editor is coming by this afternoon to finalize some stuff. We're counting down.

Progress...

Had a lovely pizza/movie night last night. Ron came over bearing Boston cream pie. Trish from Ordinary Angels and her husband Dan brought a bottle of wine. We crowded into the family room with the kids for Over the Hedge, then the kids dispersed for various computers and art projects, and the adults watched Clerks 2. It was as crude and sick as any Kevin Smith film, and we all laughed throughout the entire movie.

This morning, Ron drove me around the industrial areas around the Duwamish River and Port of Seattle so I could shoot some kinetic footage for the OA opening titles. Then we grabbed lunch with the kids and watched the latest Dane Cook concert DVD.

The real highlight of my day came when I received word from Kirsten of Deep Mosey, allowing me to use their track "Freed From the Finite" in the closing credits of OA. I'm ecstatic! I've loved them since '99, when we were both artists on MP3.COM.

Getting close to sending the rough cut into SIFF and the London SciFi Film Festival.

Tired. I sleep now.

Angels Pics

I've scanned a bunch of photos Thatcher took on-set and posted them to my Flickr site. There are also stills from the actual video.

Surfacing

I'm very tired, but seem to be coming through the most recent wave. Keeping busy with projects and the founding of a new film production company, which will absorb Despot Pictures. The new entity consists of Ordinary Angels producer Sally, production accountant Justin, editor Dan and myself, and we've latched onto the name D Constructed Media. The D is of course a reference to the fact that all four of us have names starting with D (either first or last), and deconstruction means to strip down to the basic elements. It also points at the philosophy of deconstruction, which is a form of textual analysis. But the basic meaning is that we, "D", constructed this media.

Going out to Dan's tomorrow to take a look at the color correction for the film. And Wednesday afternoon I'm meeting with the sound designer to do some element recording and listen to his mix thus far.

I got my brother to come over to watch the kids this Wednesday so that I can go back to my Gilda's group. I've missed it.

I think this last wave was a lot of coming to grips with the fact that my old life is gone, and for better or worse I am on this new path. I mean, it's been this way for quite some time, of course. But it was the saying goodbye to any illusion or fantasy that Sam would be calling from the hospital, saying it was all a big administrative screw up, and could I pick her up? It was the acknowledgement that I've put the past in the past and the future in the future, and the two are separate and distinct. That's the sense of "goodbye" I mentioned a couple posts ago. THAT'S the sadness. The admission that I'm actually moving forward and not just in a holding pattern, waiting for the Universe to shake out. Because that's not going to happen; the Universe doesn't shake out. We make an active decision and the Universe adjusts accordingly.

Sam's would-be 40th birthday is in a couple more weeks. I think that might be hard. Then we've got Dad's would-be 63rd, and then Sam's deathiversary in April. That's something I'm really not interested in observing as much as her birthday, but I know the brain will continue to mark the date for awhile yet.

An old high school friend of Sam's & mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who recently lost his wife to sudden cardiac arrest (she was young and at the peak of health), leaving him with two kids to raise (approximately the same ages as mine). I sent email and started to walk him through some of the initial stuff I remembered from my experience, and it looks like he has his situation as well in hand as anyone can. It feels good to make contact with someone a similar age in a similar situation and help them out. God knows I'm only standing today by the kindness and support of others. Feels good to give back.

Casualties

We're the casualties
No one tells you about us
You'll hear stories
But you have to live to believe

We're the bodies
Piled up by the roadside
You'll smell us burning
It'll give you bad dreams

Don't run away
We're a cautionary tale
Walk softly, and take heed
Don't offer us your sympathy
You don't know what we need

We're the spineless
The skinless and the broken
You'll be a crutch
Cause we can't stand on our own

You'll gather round us
To comfort and heal us
But the nature of our pain
Will remain unknown

Don't come to me
For happiness
I'm an open pit, and you will just fall in
Don't ask me what my problem is
I wouldn't know where to begin

I get so tired of holding on
I get so cold that I am chilled to the bone
I cry so hard it knocks me down
I just don't want to be alone

We're the lost and the forsaken
Screaming just to hear a voice
A sound to fill the empty spaces
A hand to hold and still the shaking

We're the wasted and the weary
Giving up and falling down
We're the needy, sick for your love
A drug to take to stop the aching

- Red Delicious


I excised some of the repeating chorus parts, but the meat is there. If ever there was a widda anthem, this is it.

Crash

Sometimes it just happens.

You could have the most productive day, everything going right... and BAM! The wave just hits you. I don't think I've had one for a few months. Not like this. Not sitting in bed until 4AM crying 'til dry and sick to my stomach.

That's one of the reasons I haven't posted all this week, and why this post is so short. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. It felt almost like I was forgetting what Sam felt like, or something... like I wasn't feeling her presence anymore. It felt like goodbye. And it was horrible.

Stuff is happening, life rolls on, and I think I may have just passed another milestone. But I don't know for sure. I want to talk to some of my widda pals and see if this has happened to them.

The Dining Room DVD is finished. The full assembly of the Ordinary Angels rough cut is finished. And Randy was able to find a lot of our old music in his archives that I no longer have (or even had in the first place). And I did this.

Let it Snow, Part II

Took a nap this afternoon, the weather clear and cold. Woke up an hour later to big, fluffy, dry snowflakes coming down in buckets. Within a couple hours, West Seattle was a winter wonderland and hilly streets were being closed.

I walked down to Westwood with Kayleigh so that she could get her hair cut (to be closer in length to her long bangs. Meanwhile, I went next door to Toshi's and picked up some teryaki, and ended up bumping into one of my actors from Ordinary Angels. He lives about 2 blocks from me, and was over in the mall looking for some gloves at Marshall's. I invited him up to the house to check out what we had of the rough cut - he loved it. Speaking of which, Dan just handed off the last scene of the rough cut. We're conferencing with the sound designer tomorrow, and then Ron is driving me around to get some footage for the opening titles on Sunday (hopefully after the snow melts!!).

We've got about 3" to 4" solid on the ground now, and an expected 4" to 6" expected overnight - it's still coming down in a steady blanket. Snow day tomorrow, for sure. I will likely make the kids play in the snow for a great portion of the day.

Coordinating with Steve Fox (drums) and Jason Parker (horn) to session for me on the And Tears Fell tribute CD. It's coming down to the last few needed bits, and the drums will especially be a huge part of that completion for me. In association with that project, Randy talked me into remastering the original two ATF albums and one EP, and put them up on Cafepress, not for general public consumption, but for friends and family who want to be able to have that archive. I thought it was a worthwhile suggestion, so now I'm doing more CD artwork, based on the original cassette J-cards, but metric assloads better in quality.

Some of these recordings are pushing 20 years old, and they were not pro quality to begin with, so I have mixed feelings about having them available to the general public. However, reason dictates that: a) they had merit enough for a record label to want to release them back in the day; b) we must have felt they were worth hearing at some point. So, for historical value if nothing else, the three titles Sidhe, Circe and Angry Odin will be showing up at my currently evolving Cafepress emporium of Toddness. Lord help us all.

I do like the And Tears Fell T-shirt design - you know, I was And Tears Fell before Samantha was the vocalist, and I may very well push ahead with new material, but I think it's entirely appropriate that Sam's image be the default logo for the band. She named it, she believed in it, and she gave us a solid identity. I firmly believe she'd love what we're doing with the new recordings - heck, she'd be in the studio with us if she could (and maybe she is anyway).

Riding the See-Saw

Imagine a wound that had been slowly healing over two years, strength and mobility returning after months of numbness and atrophy.

Now rip the scab off and start poking in the raw tissue.

Caroline was a friend of Sam's. Caroline had what I understood to be an aggressive lymphoma, for which she'd undergone every possible treatment, and had even been previously in remission. Caroline's husband was in my family support group at Gilda's, and Caroline was in Sam's wellness group. She was a woman who refused to give up - who always dressed fashionably, makeup done, hair (or wig) in place, traveled, laughed, lived and loved with gusto. She certainly didn't look middle-aged, even in the midst of horrible chemo. And she always inspired Sam in her own fight. Often we'd come out of our individual groups and on the drive home Sam would tell me how uplifting it felt to be in Caroline's presence, despite how heavy the group sessions got. I thought, if ANYONE can beat cancer, Caroline can.

Caroline passed away last Wednesday.

And I can't stop crying.

I've said this before, and I will say it again, without apology for the colloquial profanity...

FUCK CANCER.

This whole thing was really driven home yesterday when I took Kayleigh to Build-a-Bear to spend her Christmas gift cards. While I stood by and observed, she passed from bin to bin, carefully weighing the decisions. Ultimately, she decided on a big floppy brown bunny and a white bear with blue patches of fur. She dressed the bunny in a striped blouse, jeans and sandals. The bear got a fleece pullover, khakis, tennies, and a baseball cap.

She named the rabbit Samantha Kate Bunny. The bear was named Grampa Bear.

So... yeah... kinda sad today.

I Think I Just Peed.

This. Click this link now. You must.

It's that funny.

Well, it's that funny if you grew up watching Speed Racer like I did.

Dredging the Past

Within the past month, two women from my childhood and/or teens have contacted me out of the blue. It's been really nice to get reacquainted, and gives me a nice sense of stability in the midst of this emotionally enigmatic headspace. One of these old/new friends actually new Sam before I did, and was a fellow artist/extrovert at Paly. We're probably more similar and have more in common now than back then. BTW her husband is a freakin' eletronic music genius whose mash-up of Eminem - Without Me and Yes - Owner of a Lonely Heart must be heard to be believed. Unfortunately, she didn't know about Sam's death, and we've been doing a lot of commiserating and catching up online until the wee hours, which means I have not been getting any sleep, so now I'm fighting a cold. Bleh. She's had her own life touched by cancer, so there's another point of overlap. Sigh - this goddamn disease. Seems like it leaves nobody untouched.

Also been sharing some music with my Jr. High theater "sweetie". We were in a gawdawful melodrama where I played the Li'l Abner-esque bumpkin hero and she was the poor damsel in distress (hence the kiss). Funny, I think I forgot about our stage kiss because the play was so bad, not because the kiss was forgettable - I've had relatively few in my (not-so-) distinguished acting career, so you'd think I'd remember it. It's actually pretty funny and has become a point of jest between us.

Speaking of theater, I took Kayleigh to the afternoon performance of Amahl & the Night Visitors, at Youngstown. Great production, possibly the best Amahl in the group's history. It was great to hang out in the Samantha Downing Control Booth for awhile and chat with Sara (the tech director there), and watch the show from the top row. They packed a full orchestra and chorus into that relatively small space, and pulled off a really delightful performance. Mike T., our Tevye from Fiddler, was in fine form as Balthazar for his, what, tenth or so year in the role (?).

Dan keeps feeding me finished scenes from Angels. I think we might actually make it for the SIFF deadline! I have a meeting tomorrow with one of the producers, the production accountant and Lieutenant Dan to figure out what our production entity is gonna look like.

Tonight, however, there is evil that needs a good smiting in City of Heroes. Vanguard II is on the case, and hopefully the usual suspects will be logging on to do some good. Recently Ron, Hans, Tyler and myself have been voice conferencing as we play. Beats the hell out of typing, "Look out behind you - there's a big dude with a.... nevermind."

Happy GNY

...or, Gregorian New Year. It was a quiet affair for me and mine. Tyler had a last-minute invite to his best friend's house for a family party, and Kayleigh stayed home with her dad. We toasted with some sparking cranberry juice and I tucked her in bed with Wiley at her feet, and minutes later crashed out in my own bed.

Perhaps it was the exhausting schedule of the holidays, but she slept in until after 1PM today. Tyler didn't take his meds with him to his overnight, so I'm having to watch him like a hawk tonight. If I keep him focused and occupied, he usually does okay. Just sent him on a mission to QFC for some sour cream - we're having homemade soft tacos tonight.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions. I am of the opinion (like Will Smith) that doing so means that you're neglecting something in your daily life. But I will say that 2007 represents a sort of mental milestone for me, and that I am going back to the gym after having been slammed for three months by schedule and projects, and that the dating moratorium is over (but so is the man-whore phase I went through last year). I'm done with serial dating. If the real thing happens by, great. But I'm not re-joining Match or Yahoo Personals. Hats off to those who find true love through dating services, but it's too contrived for my liking.

Dan has been kicking ass and taking names on the rough cut of Ordinary Angels. He's over halfway done. I'm very excited. It's looking great.

Kayleigh goes back to school tomorrow and I get to finish Tyler's enrollment at WAVA. And do a bank run. And submit my city business tax forms. And follow up with the insurance company. And talk to my lawyer. In other words, back to the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Cheers, loyal readers. Here's to a much better 2007!